I am so very excited tonight, hope I will get some sleep. It's already 1:30 am on Wed, Nov.22, 2006. I have finally finish my 1st wed store and will launch this project first thing in the am. Feeling really proud of all my hard work over the past few months.
I always believed that I had to be good at something other than eating although I have never been encouraged in any direction in my life. Always felt that I was in some way defective or not worthy of any serious thought. I have come to the point in my life where I have to just put myself out there and try something new, win or lose. I prefer to win!
I need to have a full body left after have had gastric bypass surgery and I am hoping my new venture will allow me to take care of my needs in this area. I am not looking to become rich but if I can just generate enough revenue to possible pay for the financing necessary to get my reconstructive surgery, well I will call my venture very successful. "www.KitchenSavvyPlus.Com" sounds so good to my ears. Hope my products will satisfy my customers. I really enjoy cooking and I do know that to prepare a truely great meal you must use quality cookware and so I hope to service the needs of the serious home chefs like myself. Check me out!
I pray to God for his direction and blessing in this venture of mine.
Good night and sweet dreams!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Too Busy To Talk
I am so busy, I have not been able to talk with myself for the last few weeks. I am working so hard on my website. KitchenSavvyPlus.Com. I have put together a domain where I sell quality kitchenware at frugal prices. My site is catering to the serious home chef and professional alike.
I get so much pleasure from preparing, cooking and presenting only quality foods for family and friends. Excellent foodstuffs can only be prepared using quality kitchenware.
I have always loved cooking for family and friends alike, I just get such a kick when I see and hear the expressions of pure pleasure after tasting one of my many creations. I am even writing a cookbook, prompted by many of friends and family, but I'll talk about that later on.
Right now I must get back to work. Hope to launch my wedsite in another two weeks. Look out here I come!
Must make money to get that total body lift I need after having gastric-bypass surgery. Oh God help me please!
I get so much pleasure from preparing, cooking and presenting only quality foods for family and friends. Excellent foodstuffs can only be prepared using quality kitchenware.
I have always loved cooking for family and friends alike, I just get such a kick when I see and hear the expressions of pure pleasure after tasting one of my many creations. I am even writing a cookbook, prompted by many of friends and family, but I'll talk about that later on.
Right now I must get back to work. Hope to launch my wedsite in another two weeks. Look out here I come!
Must make money to get that total body lift I need after having gastric-bypass surgery. Oh God help me please!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
My Battle Goes On
Today is a new day, thank you God. Yesterday was murder, I had to fight so hard to not allow my old thinking and behavior take control of me. I know that my emotions can be very dangerous and detrimental to my continued success in weight management.
I have successfully lost approximately 195 pounds, mostly of fat, which is amazing indeed. I feel at this point in the venture that all I have to do is maintain my weight loss. This is proving to be as difficult is not more difficult than loosing the weight.
I still want to eat chocolate, chocolate chip cookies even though they kill me since having gastric bypass surgery. How sick is that, I still want to eat products that cause me pain and discomfort. This eating disorder is truly insidious. It is really the same as fighting drug addition. I can testify to that because I too an a recovering addict of cocaine as well as alcohol.
Yesterday I felt that panic feeling of wanting to get high or I should say the feeling of not getting high but my body craving it. I know I don't have to use drugs or alcohol any more in my life and I know that feeling are only feeling and that they won't kill me. I seem to for the past 15 or 16 years to have really good recovery buy the eating is kicking it up all over for me. The waves in the belly are so familiar. I don't want to believe that I have to deal with these feelings over again, I had hope this was over but I have that horrible feeling and beginning acknowledgement that this is the beginning of a big storm in my life.
I must sit with the deprivation and let (the monster of my mind) the issue surface so as to confront and deal with it. Wow, Wow here I go again. I can do this, I have done this before. Just brush off the tools and work it and I'll be alright and stronger when this wave passes, it will pass.
I must continue to go to group, this has been a tool which has always allowed me to be successful through all my additions and my connection with God can not and have always been my life line. My God has seen me through much and will continue to do so as long as I allow His help and don't think I can do this alone. I can't, I won't and I won't even try.
Must get some rest now. Good night.
I have successfully lost approximately 195 pounds, mostly of fat, which is amazing indeed. I feel at this point in the venture that all I have to do is maintain my weight loss. This is proving to be as difficult is not more difficult than loosing the weight.
I still want to eat chocolate, chocolate chip cookies even though they kill me since having gastric bypass surgery. How sick is that, I still want to eat products that cause me pain and discomfort. This eating disorder is truly insidious. It is really the same as fighting drug addition. I can testify to that because I too an a recovering addict of cocaine as well as alcohol.
Yesterday I felt that panic feeling of wanting to get high or I should say the feeling of not getting high but my body craving it. I know I don't have to use drugs or alcohol any more in my life and I know that feeling are only feeling and that they won't kill me. I seem to for the past 15 or 16 years to have really good recovery buy the eating is kicking it up all over for me. The waves in the belly are so familiar. I don't want to believe that I have to deal with these feelings over again, I had hope this was over but I have that horrible feeling and beginning acknowledgement that this is the beginning of a big storm in my life.
I must sit with the deprivation and let (the monster of my mind) the issue surface so as to confront and deal with it. Wow, Wow here I go again. I can do this, I have done this before. Just brush off the tools and work it and I'll be alright and stronger when this wave passes, it will pass.
I must continue to go to group, this has been a tool which has always allowed me to be successful through all my additions and my connection with God can not and have always been my life line. My God has seen me through much and will continue to do so as long as I allow His help and don't think I can do this alone. I can't, I won't and I won't even try.
Must get some rest now. Good night.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Looking For Comfort
I am hungry, hungry for, for, for, for?????? I guess I really am needy for something. I don't even feel like dealing with me today. I don't feel like examining myself, don't want to have to check into my real needs today. Why not??????? I am too tired?????? Too afraid of what I might find??????
Need something sweet, or something salty, don't know what I need or want. I should go right to bed a avoid hurting myself, I mean with food. I can tell I am not going to be satisfied with anything that comes out of the refrigerator of cabinet.
I know it's my emotions, flying out of control, no not out of control, but they are trying to tell me something I don't want to deal with. I JUST WANT TO EAT, EAT, EAT, CHOCOLATE AND CHIPS AND CHOCOLATE AND CHIPS.
I feel pressure to get my web site, www.kitchensavvyplus.com up and running. I feel so afraid that if this doesn't work I will be stuck in my own skin. My skin after gastric-bypass is too painful to continue to live in. I feel so lost and hurt and sad. I have such missed feelings. I do not ever want to be a cry baby but I feel like one and I want to just get on my pity pot a cry, cry for me, my body, my self esteem, my sorrow, my ego, just me me me!
I have to go. Go and cry, go and sleep. I just am going to try not to eat tonight, all night long. This is hurting me so much I can't really articulate in adult terms. My emotional state is that of a child, my little girl inside is hurting and needing me to care for her. I don't always know how to care for her but I do hear her crying out for help and I will let her cry, I won't shut her up tonight. I feel the waves in my belly starting to roll up and they are getting very powerful. I must let the waves come and deal with it.
I can do this, I must do this, I WILL DO THIS!
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TAKE CARE OF ME.
Need something sweet, or something salty, don't know what I need or want. I should go right to bed a avoid hurting myself, I mean with food. I can tell I am not going to be satisfied with anything that comes out of the refrigerator of cabinet.
I know it's my emotions, flying out of control, no not out of control, but they are trying to tell me something I don't want to deal with. I JUST WANT TO EAT, EAT, EAT, CHOCOLATE AND CHIPS AND CHOCOLATE AND CHIPS.
I feel pressure to get my web site, www.kitchensavvyplus.com up and running. I feel so afraid that if this doesn't work I will be stuck in my own skin. My skin after gastric-bypass is too painful to continue to live in. I feel so lost and hurt and sad. I have such missed feelings. I do not ever want to be a cry baby but I feel like one and I want to just get on my pity pot a cry, cry for me, my body, my self esteem, my sorrow, my ego, just me me me!
I have to go. Go and cry, go and sleep. I just am going to try not to eat tonight, all night long. This is hurting me so much I can't really articulate in adult terms. My emotional state is that of a child, my little girl inside is hurting and needing me to care for her. I don't always know how to care for her but I do hear her crying out for help and I will let her cry, I won't shut her up tonight. I feel the waves in my belly starting to roll up and they are getting very powerful. I must let the waves come and deal with it.
I can do this, I must do this, I WILL DO THIS!
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TAKE CARE OF ME.
Monday, October 09, 2006
I NEED HELP TO CARRY MY LOAD!
My load is heavy. Not in just a physical sense but in an emotional sense. The load I am having so much difficulty carrying is the excess skin left over from my gastric bypass surgery.
When I was 350 lbs. my skin was tight and smooth, but now after loosing over 195 lbs, well you can't imagine if you have not seen it. My skin is literally dripping off of my small frame, I say small because I am told I am tiny now at a size 8 dress. I know now that my surgery was just the beginning of a life altering process which I must continue.
I sometimes feel trapped inside my own skin, feelings of despair are creeping into my inner self where other painful experiences live. The images I see when looking into the mirror are hurtful, shameful and ugly. I try not to body bash myself as I wouldn't body bash another person but I am somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to viewing myself.
Don't get me wrong, I am very pleased that I am somewhat of a success story. I have developed new habits and ways of living which can ensure me remaining on the road of good health. I workout at the gym (Curves) three to four times per week, which was totally out at size 26 dress. I never thought I wouldn't salivate at the sigh of a pizza but now I see it and not feel powerless over it. I can decide with relative ease to eat it or not. I really thought pizza had some kind or strong power over me, I'm free of that kind if thinking in regards to food. Many good thing have happened in my life to say the least and I try not being ungrateful or unappreciative. I just recognize that I am in pain and my pain is real and must be addressed. I owe this to myself.
I have decided that I just must reach out for help, help in securing much needed plastic surgery. I believe I will receive help but not sure where to begin my search. I have always learned that everything usually starts with me first. So I am searching myself for ideas, abilities, inventions anything that can be a source leading to being financially equipped to secure a total body life which could cost in the area of $50,000 to $80.000. This amount of money is so out reach at this time that I feel overwhelmed and sinking into despair.
What can I do? Let's make a list:
Fabulous cook
Great eye for decorating
Great people skills
Excellent organizer
Great entertainer or social skills
Hospitable
Frugal shopper of quality products
Well from the list above I decided to start a e-commerce business selling quality kitchen products at affordable prices. My web store will be launching in approximately one month. The site is www.kitchenSavvyPlus.com Hope everybody who reads my blog will visit me and hopefully purchase something.
I know money doesn't fall from the sky, but I will keep and bucket outside my window in case some miracle occurs.
I am going to implore the medical arena as well as the entertainment world for assistance. Maybe someone will do a before and after show. I really do look quite good and have a fantabelist personality, I know I made that word up (smile).
Well Oprah, Dr. 90210, T. Banks, you will be hearing from me as soon as I get the nerve to write you. My fear is rejection, permanent rejection I mean I can't afford at this critical time in my life to feel that there really is no hope of me receiving help. I have no choice but to go for it. I only fear that I am not special enough for anyone to help me.
If you read this blog, send comments with suggestions on where I may possible get some help to carry my load.
When I was 350 lbs. my skin was tight and smooth, but now after loosing over 195 lbs, well you can't imagine if you have not seen it. My skin is literally dripping off of my small frame, I say small because I am told I am tiny now at a size 8 dress. I know now that my surgery was just the beginning of a life altering process which I must continue.
I sometimes feel trapped inside my own skin, feelings of despair are creeping into my inner self where other painful experiences live. The images I see when looking into the mirror are hurtful, shameful and ugly. I try not to body bash myself as I wouldn't body bash another person but I am somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to viewing myself.
Don't get me wrong, I am very pleased that I am somewhat of a success story. I have developed new habits and ways of living which can ensure me remaining on the road of good health. I workout at the gym (Curves) three to four times per week, which was totally out at size 26 dress. I never thought I wouldn't salivate at the sigh of a pizza but now I see it and not feel powerless over it. I can decide with relative ease to eat it or not. I really thought pizza had some kind or strong power over me, I'm free of that kind if thinking in regards to food. Many good thing have happened in my life to say the least and I try not being ungrateful or unappreciative. I just recognize that I am in pain and my pain is real and must be addressed. I owe this to myself.
I have decided that I just must reach out for help, help in securing much needed plastic surgery. I believe I will receive help but not sure where to begin my search. I have always learned that everything usually starts with me first. So I am searching myself for ideas, abilities, inventions anything that can be a source leading to being financially equipped to secure a total body life which could cost in the area of $50,000 to $80.000. This amount of money is so out reach at this time that I feel overwhelmed and sinking into despair.
What can I do? Let's make a list:
Fabulous cook
Great eye for decorating
Great people skills
Excellent organizer
Great entertainer or social skills
Hospitable
Frugal shopper of quality products
Well from the list above I decided to start a e-commerce business selling quality kitchen products at affordable prices. My web store will be launching in approximately one month. The site is www.kitchenSavvyPlus.com Hope everybody who reads my blog will visit me and hopefully purchase something.
I know money doesn't fall from the sky, but I will keep and bucket outside my window in case some miracle occurs.
I am going to implore the medical arena as well as the entertainment world for assistance. Maybe someone will do a before and after show. I really do look quite good and have a fantabelist personality, I know I made that word up (smile).
Well Oprah, Dr. 90210, T. Banks, you will be hearing from me as soon as I get the nerve to write you. My fear is rejection, permanent rejection I mean I can't afford at this critical time in my life to feel that there really is no hope of me receiving help. I have no choice but to go for it. I only fear that I am not special enough for anyone to help me.
If you read this blog, send comments with suggestions on where I may possible get some help to carry my load.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
DROWNING IN SKIN
I feel extremely unhappy in my own skin. I am trying so hard to be loving and kind to myself. I tell my body how much I appreciate how it has taken care of me even when I abused it so badly. I don't hate myself or my body but I am finding it more and more difficult and draining emotionally to deal with the reality of seeing and being attached to so much skin.
I never knew prior to gastric bypass surgery that as I lost weight my skin would never schrink back into place. That being the case I am now in a body which is size 8 dress but was stretched to size 26. If you ever were a big person you know just how big a size 26 is. Well I do look great on the outside but this surgery is not about looks, well it wasn't and still isn't. Having gastric bypass surgery became necessary due to health issues such as hypertension, high cholesterol, diabetes and extreme pain in my hips and ankle. Looking good is a bi product of the gastric bypass surgery.
I was not informed prior to my surgery that the skin would have to be addressed at some point after surgery, meaning more surgery not to mention the the cost of plastic surgery. In my case I feel so sad and some days almost hopeless because I have no possible way to get the money to pay for plastic surgery. I am disabled and am currently receiving Medicare which considers plastic surgery as cosmetic and unnecessary and so they will never pay for my skin removal.
I consulted with a plastic surgeon and to have my tummy tuck, which will require being cut around the entire circumference of my body as well as being cut from my navel straight up to my chest bone, necessary to remove all the excess skin in my case. Then my breast need augmenting along with implants. I didn't want implants but due to the fact that all of my volume is gone this is necessary. My breasts currently are flat like a pancake, truly hurtful to see and hurtful to live with. Prior to gastric bypass I had plumb beautiful D cups, but now I look flat chested and I don't feel womanly. Feelings and emotions are so important to the inner person. Even if others saw me as not looking womanly but I fell womanly I would always opt for me feeling good about me. Being a woman has always been a joy for me. I would never want to forfeit that, that's part of who I am an intragel part. The surgeon informed me that the tummy tuck and breast surgery would take approximately 8 hours, but assured me I would be very pleased with the results. Well at the end of the consult, which went very well, I received the estimated bill totalling $23,000 to $25,000. I had'nt even discussed the thighs, back, arms and face yet. Well I felt like I was just kicked in the stomach, this is totally out of my reach, I felt so hurt so crushed so abandoned. What am I to do. Cry, Cry, Cry. OK I'm entitled to cry over me, I am hurting and feeling lonely. I mustn't give up and dis pare, this isn't my style. I am make of tough stuff and so I dig way down in search of what I need to move on.
I hurt so much inside when I take my clothes off and see what my body looks like. Sometimes I cry and feel dispare and anger, anger at who? I am and have always been able to depend on myself and have never thought that others owe me anything in this life and so I am accustomed to working hard for all I have in this world. I have always been generous and willing to help others and have tried to have a positive impact in the lives of others but I feel like I am running out of steam and really do need, desperately, help from someone. I am hurting so deeply I can't even describe it, it feels like something is eating me alive deep down in my belly, like an animal just taking little bites hoping I will not notice it, oh! but I do.
I need help so badly and so completely. I know that in my life I have always relied on my Creator for help and I know he has the power to move mighty persons if necessary in order to provide what is needed. I will continue to earnestly request his help and support. Until help comes I will continue to try to aid others and not overly focus on myself.
I am hoping and believing help is on its way, I will persevere.
I never knew prior to gastric bypass surgery that as I lost weight my skin would never schrink back into place. That being the case I am now in a body which is size 8 dress but was stretched to size 26. If you ever were a big person you know just how big a size 26 is. Well I do look great on the outside but this surgery is not about looks, well it wasn't and still isn't. Having gastric bypass surgery became necessary due to health issues such as hypertension, high cholesterol, diabetes and extreme pain in my hips and ankle. Looking good is a bi product of the gastric bypass surgery.
I was not informed prior to my surgery that the skin would have to be addressed at some point after surgery, meaning more surgery not to mention the the cost of plastic surgery. In my case I feel so sad and some days almost hopeless because I have no possible way to get the money to pay for plastic surgery. I am disabled and am currently receiving Medicare which considers plastic surgery as cosmetic and unnecessary and so they will never pay for my skin removal.
I consulted with a plastic surgeon and to have my tummy tuck, which will require being cut around the entire circumference of my body as well as being cut from my navel straight up to my chest bone, necessary to remove all the excess skin in my case. Then my breast need augmenting along with implants. I didn't want implants but due to the fact that all of my volume is gone this is necessary. My breasts currently are flat like a pancake, truly hurtful to see and hurtful to live with. Prior to gastric bypass I had plumb beautiful D cups, but now I look flat chested and I don't feel womanly. Feelings and emotions are so important to the inner person. Even if others saw me as not looking womanly but I fell womanly I would always opt for me feeling good about me. Being a woman has always been a joy for me. I would never want to forfeit that, that's part of who I am an intragel part. The surgeon informed me that the tummy tuck and breast surgery would take approximately 8 hours, but assured me I would be very pleased with the results. Well at the end of the consult, which went very well, I received the estimated bill totalling $23,000 to $25,000. I had'nt even discussed the thighs, back, arms and face yet. Well I felt like I was just kicked in the stomach, this is totally out of my reach, I felt so hurt so crushed so abandoned. What am I to do. Cry, Cry, Cry. OK I'm entitled to cry over me, I am hurting and feeling lonely. I mustn't give up and dis pare, this isn't my style. I am make of tough stuff and so I dig way down in search of what I need to move on.
I hurt so much inside when I take my clothes off and see what my body looks like. Sometimes I cry and feel dispare and anger, anger at who? I am and have always been able to depend on myself and have never thought that others owe me anything in this life and so I am accustomed to working hard for all I have in this world. I have always been generous and willing to help others and have tried to have a positive impact in the lives of others but I feel like I am running out of steam and really do need, desperately, help from someone. I am hurting so deeply I can't even describe it, it feels like something is eating me alive deep down in my belly, like an animal just taking little bites hoping I will not notice it, oh! but I do.
I need help so badly and so completely. I know that in my life I have always relied on my Creator for help and I know he has the power to move mighty persons if necessary in order to provide what is needed. I will continue to earnestly request his help and support. Until help comes I will continue to try to aid others and not overly focus on myself.
I am hoping and believing help is on its way, I will persevere.
Monday, October 02, 2006
LIVING WITH GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY
I am very pleased with the results of my gastric bypass. I have lost a total of about of about 195 lbs, no I don't weigh 195 lbs I have lost 195 lbs. I was at the highest weight of approximately 350 lbs, size 26 dress. Now I am proud to say I weigh 155 lbs, size 8 dress. I must say I know I look very good but the true self image I still struggle with. What I mean is that when I look in the mirror I don't see a tiny woman, I see a woman who looks to be a size 16 and that is a great improvement to me. Unfortunately when I look into the mirror I see the excess skin in the stomach area, the sagging arms, thighs and face. I thought I would be happy with just losing weight but much more is involved in this journey.
Joys I have experienced is mobility vs. immobility. I remember when I couldn't get off the couch without my husband strong arms to help me, now I just get up whenever I feel to, I no longer set myself up with table filled with water, snacks, telephone, pad and pen, cell phone, etc. because I couldn't bare having to get up and down out of the Charo. I count it a true blessing indeed.
I felt great when traveling by airplane and didn't have to get extender belts. At first I wasn't sure I wouldn't need them, I wasn't sure emotionally. I wanted to shout it out"I don't need an extender belt!", but I did refrain. I sat in my seat needing to use the lavatory soooo baaaad until I realized I could get up without having the other persons next to me having to get up and down. I was really beyond myself to realize that I could actually come down the aisle at the same time the stewardess was coming down. At first I felt the panic of feeling how could I possible fit down the aisle as someone else was coming down, in the past I would have to wait for a clear aisle and hurry down before some skinny thoughtless person would get up with no consideration for us big people. I will continue to struggle because I will always be the big girl inside.
I've notice something new about myself. I realize I don't feel awkward in fine dinning restaurants ordering my chocolate desert, I don't think I see people looking at me like why is she ordering that. I use to see those looks and I hated them for it. I do notice I still look at others who are well endowed with kinship but lately I have been getting some nasty looks. I must realize that I don't look like kinship to the big people anymore and they may be misinterpreting my acknowledgement to them. That hurts because I feel the same though I look very different. I will never feel like a thin person no matter what I look like.
Sometimes I wonder where do I fit in. That may sound childish, but emotionally I am still just a child in many ways.
Joys I have experienced is mobility vs. immobility. I remember when I couldn't get off the couch without my husband strong arms to help me, now I just get up whenever I feel to, I no longer set myself up with table filled with water, snacks, telephone, pad and pen, cell phone, etc. because I couldn't bare having to get up and down out of the Charo. I count it a true blessing indeed.
I felt great when traveling by airplane and didn't have to get extender belts. At first I wasn't sure I wouldn't need them, I wasn't sure emotionally. I wanted to shout it out"I don't need an extender belt!", but I did refrain. I sat in my seat needing to use the lavatory soooo baaaad until I realized I could get up without having the other persons next to me having to get up and down. I was really beyond myself to realize that I could actually come down the aisle at the same time the stewardess was coming down. At first I felt the panic of feeling how could I possible fit down the aisle as someone else was coming down, in the past I would have to wait for a clear aisle and hurry down before some skinny thoughtless person would get up with no consideration for us big people. I will continue to struggle because I will always be the big girl inside.
I've notice something new about myself. I realize I don't feel awkward in fine dinning restaurants ordering my chocolate desert, I don't think I see people looking at me like why is she ordering that. I use to see those looks and I hated them for it. I do notice I still look at others who are well endowed with kinship but lately I have been getting some nasty looks. I must realize that I don't look like kinship to the big people anymore and they may be misinterpreting my acknowledgement to them. That hurts because I feel the same though I look very different. I will never feel like a thin person no matter what I look like.
Sometimes I wonder where do I fit in. That may sound childish, but emotionally I am still just a child in many ways.
STRESS FRIEND OR FOE
Stress is said to be a real killer, as I and millions others can attest to. I have endured the stress of being a working woman in what is known as a man's world. Maintaining self respect as well as earning respect, which was always due me, has proven to be stressful. I worked with NYC Police Department in a civilian capacity, which in itself meant, to the uniform personnel, that respect was not due. I for over eighteen years had maintained my self respect as well as maintained a respectful working relationship with my peers, which was not always easy.
I endured much stress from being in a lasting marriage of 32 years. Much have occurred in my relationship. Being a friend have been a major key to my marital success. I consider my marriage a success because I still love, respect and admire my husband and he shows and tells me how much he adores me. My husband is a tough guy from the streets of New York City where as I was a good girl raised higher middle class with all the perks that goes along with that such as, Music lessons, dance classes, theater, fine dinning. We were so different yet our attraction was powerful and lasting. Our relationship started out with conversation only, in fact I thought at one time he may be gay. Since I was such an attractive young woman and he didn't seem to be pushing in the direction of physical intimacy, my shallow opinion of men surely proved that he must be gay, he couldn't possible resist me! (smile, chuckle, chuckle) I found him so interesting that it really didn't matter what his sexual preferences were, I enjoyed being with him. He knew much about politics, sports, poetry and Hollywood and most of all women. I had never met any person, yet alone any man like him before nor after. He filled every desire I had ever had as well as opened to me desires I hadn't even known. I don't kiss and tell, so I won't. Any who, I was speaking of stress wasn't I? Throughout our lives we have endured family disputes over child rearing, we have dealt with step family issues, which could be discussed forever. We have endured long periods of sickness, grief and bewilderment. We have fell in and out of love many times over and yet managed to return to the same spot again and again "respect, friendship, admiration and trust". Bottom line we know what stress is. Stress, in my case, have given me the opportunity to be refined and actually see what I am made of. My finding is "I am gold" proofed by fire. So when I feel stress and pressure of life coming upon me, I think of a smelting pot where gold is refined and then I have complete confidence and hope that through whatever comes, success will follow.
So view stress as friend rather than foe and see what gold lies underneath.
I endured much stress from being in a lasting marriage of 32 years. Much have occurred in my relationship. Being a friend have been a major key to my marital success. I consider my marriage a success because I still love, respect and admire my husband and he shows and tells me how much he adores me. My husband is a tough guy from the streets of New York City where as I was a good girl raised higher middle class with all the perks that goes along with that such as, Music lessons, dance classes, theater, fine dinning. We were so different yet our attraction was powerful and lasting. Our relationship started out with conversation only, in fact I thought at one time he may be gay. Since I was such an attractive young woman and he didn't seem to be pushing in the direction of physical intimacy, my shallow opinion of men surely proved that he must be gay, he couldn't possible resist me! (smile, chuckle, chuckle) I found him so interesting that it really didn't matter what his sexual preferences were, I enjoyed being with him. He knew much about politics, sports, poetry and Hollywood and most of all women. I had never met any person, yet alone any man like him before nor after. He filled every desire I had ever had as well as opened to me desires I hadn't even known. I don't kiss and tell, so I won't. Any who, I was speaking of stress wasn't I? Throughout our lives we have endured family disputes over child rearing, we have dealt with step family issues, which could be discussed forever. We have endured long periods of sickness, grief and bewilderment. We have fell in and out of love many times over and yet managed to return to the same spot again and again "respect, friendship, admiration and trust". Bottom line we know what stress is. Stress, in my case, have given me the opportunity to be refined and actually see what I am made of. My finding is "I am gold" proofed by fire. So when I feel stress and pressure of life coming upon me, I think of a smelting pot where gold is refined and then I have complete confidence and hope that through whatever comes, success will follow.
So view stress as friend rather than foe and see what gold lies underneath.
Friday, September 29, 2006
BEING AFRAID
What is afraid? The New Webster's Comprehensive Dictionary of the English Language defines afraid as impressed with fear or apprehension; reluctant; fearful. Well that describes my emotion concerning my new venture. I feel apprehensive regarding my ability to start and operate my own home based business. I keep thinking why am I so apprehensive after all this is a totally positive venture. OK I know it is possible to loose my initial investment but I don't really think this is the source of my fear. after all my investment win or loose will not break me. I think I feel so very venerable because I don't feel that I have a back up. I always planned my life so as to have a back up plan and safety nets in as many places as possible. This time I realize I have no safety net.
I am fearful also because my husband is so confident that I can just about do anything I put my mind to and I guess I don't want to feel like a failure to him as well as to myself.
I realize that many persons like myself have started and successfully run home based businesses and of course I am capable of the same. I just need to put away any of my self doubts and think on a more positive mode. Time to start speaking to myself in a more positive and affirmative manner. I know I can be my very best friend or the worse enemy in the world. I here right now choose to be the very best friend I can be to me.
My home business will be the selling of kitchenware, such as dinnerware, coffee makers and espresso machines, cutlery, as well as recipe books.
I am a great cook and know many short cuts in the kitchen which is invaluable to the busy home chefs. I know how to deliver what is needed and I am up on what people want and desire. I love entertaining small and large groups and know just what it takes to be a successful hostage. These are just some of my products I will make available to the public.
I must push ahead with my plan. I will discuss in my next visit why this is so vital.
I am fearful also because my husband is so confident that I can just about do anything I put my mind to and I guess I don't want to feel like a failure to him as well as to myself.
I realize that many persons like myself have started and successfully run home based businesses and of course I am capable of the same. I just need to put away any of my self doubts and think on a more positive mode. Time to start speaking to myself in a more positive and affirmative manner. I know I can be my very best friend or the worse enemy in the world. I here right now choose to be the very best friend I can be to me.
My home business will be the selling of kitchenware, such as dinnerware, coffee makers and espresso machines, cutlery, as well as recipe books.
I am a great cook and know many short cuts in the kitchen which is invaluable to the busy home chefs. I know how to deliver what is needed and I am up on what people want and desire. I love entertaining small and large groups and know just what it takes to be a successful hostage. These are just some of my products I will make available to the public.
I must push ahead with my plan. I will discuss in my next visit why this is so vital.
Monday, September 25, 2006
THE SNACKING STRUGGLE
Well I'm home from my wonderful trip to the Big Apple. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! well the scale had given me a rude awakening to the reality that I had in two weeks gained approximately 8-10lbs. It would take me about 1-2 months to loose that much weight. Even after having gastric-bypass surgery I lost only approximately 7lbs per month. This trip helped me to get my prospective or focus back on track. I must always realize that I do have a serious eating disorder. I must never think that I can eat or behave as I think other people can (you know normal people).
During my trip I ate small amounts but I didn't remain conscience of how often I was eating. As I reflect I realize that I had been grazing all day long. So eventhough I ate small amounts but continuously, that is a no no for me.
I struggle with emotional eating, which for me means that any all emotional situations generally causes me to want to eat comfort foods. Well need I say how happy I am to be a new grandma! Well I went around the City eating my happy heart out. In addition I felt as if I needed to eat every food I would miss upon my return home, addition behavior in full bloom. I thought in the past I only ate chocolate covered peanuts, strawberries, pretzels or my absolute favorite chocolate mousse when I was happy. After my gastric bypass surgery I realized I eat or have the desire to eat not only when I am happy but a great deal more when I feel sad, lonely, afraid and any other emotion that comes my way. So what's a girl to do? This girl has got to slow down and pay attention to me. Listen to me and how I am feeling in order to figure out what I need. First I have to identify what I am feeling, which it rather challenging because through out my life when uncomfortable feeling came I ate them into silence, in effect I stopped myself from identifying many emotions which are quite common to others but are quite foreign to me. So the hard reality it that emotionally I am a child needing to be nurtured.
I am learning to love that little girl who on many occasions is afraid, afraid of what? I don't know all the time. I say all the time because sometimes I do know. As painful as it may be the little girl is afraid of being hurt again. I was hurt many years ago when I was sexually abused by a family member. I still feel the shame of the abuse, although I realize mentally that I am the victim, emotionally I carry the shame, as if I asked for this to happen to me. I was a pretty little girl and very friendly and inquisitive. I remember the incident as if it were yesterday. It's funny how I forget some of the most pleasurable times of my life but this ugle day day is embedded in my mind in vivid detail. I remember the incident as if I am looking on, but not really being a participant. I guess I need to distance myself from this nightmare. I know I am safe from this sexual preditor physically but emotionally I am still being abused. I am working on learning to love this hurt little girl, that I am inside, and learning to empower her. Her shame and anger is still very great and so I have alot of work to do.
During my trip I ate small amounts but I didn't remain conscience of how often I was eating. As I reflect I realize that I had been grazing all day long. So eventhough I ate small amounts but continuously, that is a no no for me.
I struggle with emotional eating, which for me means that any all emotional situations generally causes me to want to eat comfort foods. Well need I say how happy I am to be a new grandma! Well I went around the City eating my happy heart out. In addition I felt as if I needed to eat every food I would miss upon my return home, addition behavior in full bloom. I thought in the past I only ate chocolate covered peanuts, strawberries, pretzels or my absolute favorite chocolate mousse when I was happy. After my gastric bypass surgery I realized I eat or have the desire to eat not only when I am happy but a great deal more when I feel sad, lonely, afraid and any other emotion that comes my way. So what's a girl to do? This girl has got to slow down and pay attention to me. Listen to me and how I am feeling in order to figure out what I need. First I have to identify what I am feeling, which it rather challenging because through out my life when uncomfortable feeling came I ate them into silence, in effect I stopped myself from identifying many emotions which are quite common to others but are quite foreign to me. So the hard reality it that emotionally I am a child needing to be nurtured.
I am learning to love that little girl who on many occasions is afraid, afraid of what? I don't know all the time. I say all the time because sometimes I do know. As painful as it may be the little girl is afraid of being hurt again. I was hurt many years ago when I was sexually abused by a family member. I still feel the shame of the abuse, although I realize mentally that I am the victim, emotionally I carry the shame, as if I asked for this to happen to me. I was a pretty little girl and very friendly and inquisitive. I remember the incident as if it were yesterday. It's funny how I forget some of the most pleasurable times of my life but this ugle day day is embedded in my mind in vivid detail. I remember the incident as if I am looking on, but not really being a participant. I guess I need to distance myself from this nightmare. I know I am safe from this sexual preditor physically but emotionally I am still being abused. I am working on learning to love this hurt little girl, that I am inside, and learning to empower her. Her shame and anger is still very great and so I have alot of work to do.
Friday, September 22, 2006
New York City I've Missed You
I'm back in Az. now for a week. Just getting over the airline' horrible ride back home. Been seeing my chiropractor for the last three days to get adjusted in order to stand erect. I've been bent over looking at my feet since getting off the airplane. The seating is not designed for long rides where your head is tilted forward for over 4 1/2 hours.
To add injury on top of injury, I had my pedometer stolen out of the basket that came through security screening. I had to be hand searched at the security check because I always set the alarm off, I have had a total hip replacement, I wear an ankle bracelet and of course me pedometer. As I placed my pedometer in the basket my other possessions were already through security so I wanted to place it in with my other things but was told I could not touch my pedometer until I was searched and that it was in the white basket waiting for me. Well need I say that after my embarrassing search, with hands held up and being patted down someone made off with my property. I was livid because all of this could have been eliminated by allowing all my property to be place together. I had to have a supervisor investigate, as if Sherlock Holmes was really on the case. I received a real stroke job accompanied with an apology as well as a ridiculous form to fill out which ask for an estimate of the item to be attached. Oh sure I'll just go to WalMart and ask for an estimate for a $15.00 pedometer, I'm sure I can get that. I wont name the airline yet but in the future this may become necessary, after all my blogs are being read my millions, right?????
Through all my pain and suffering I still must admit I have missed New York City life.The food for to dye for. Yes real city culinary foods! The ones I miss the most:Everything bagel w/chicken salad, lettus & tomatoes;Pizza w/sausage;perfectly fried Shrimp and Calamari;Soft salted pretzel-street vendor style;Dirty Dog (hot dog) street vendor style;Kosher deli Pastrami on rye & knish;Middle eastern falafel & Shawarma in pita bread;Jamaican beef patty & coco bread;Trini Chicken roti. Of course I could only eat one to three bites, sense having gastric by-pass, oh! oh! oh! but the bites were soooooo gooooood!
Just being in the city with the peoples which make up this great City was wonderful. Of course while there I had no trouble finding my favorite workout/exercise gym. Your know I had to stay on top of that. Sad to say I put a few pounds on which are rapidly taking off, now that I am back in Az. I must say the smell and feel of New York City is the best. What can I say, I am a native New Yorker and always will be. Upon my return I plan to go ballroom dancing with my lovely grand daughters, that will be a real blast. So cha cha cha until tomorrow.
To add injury on top of injury, I had my pedometer stolen out of the basket that came through security screening. I had to be hand searched at the security check because I always set the alarm off, I have had a total hip replacement, I wear an ankle bracelet and of course me pedometer. As I placed my pedometer in the basket my other possessions were already through security so I wanted to place it in with my other things but was told I could not touch my pedometer until I was searched and that it was in the white basket waiting for me. Well need I say that after my embarrassing search, with hands held up and being patted down someone made off with my property. I was livid because all of this could have been eliminated by allowing all my property to be place together. I had to have a supervisor investigate, as if Sherlock Holmes was really on the case. I received a real stroke job accompanied with an apology as well as a ridiculous form to fill out which ask for an estimate of the item to be attached. Oh sure I'll just go to WalMart and ask for an estimate for a $15.00 pedometer, I'm sure I can get that. I wont name the airline yet but in the future this may become necessary, after all my blogs are being read my millions, right?????
Through all my pain and suffering I still must admit I have missed New York City life.The food for to dye for. Yes real city culinary foods! The ones I miss the most:Everything bagel w/chicken salad, lettus & tomatoes;Pizza w/sausage;perfectly fried Shrimp and Calamari;Soft salted pretzel-street vendor style;Dirty Dog (hot dog) street vendor style;Kosher deli Pastrami on rye & knish;Middle eastern falafel & Shawarma in pita bread;Jamaican beef patty & coco bread;Trini Chicken roti. Of course I could only eat one to three bites, sense having gastric by-pass, oh! oh! oh! but the bites were soooooo gooooood!
Just being in the city with the peoples which make up this great City was wonderful. Of course while there I had no trouble finding my favorite workout/exercise gym. Your know I had to stay on top of that. Sad to say I put a few pounds on which are rapidly taking off, now that I am back in Az. I must say the smell and feel of New York City is the best. What can I say, I am a native New Yorker and always will be. Upon my return I plan to go ballroom dancing with my lovely grand daughters, that will be a real blast. So cha cha cha until tomorrow.
Monday, September 18, 2006
My New York Trip
I returned from the Big Apple on Saturday, the 16 of September. I had mixed feeling that put me in a bit of a stink, you know a mood change. As I thought of how much I am missing my new grandson, Jayson I felt tears rolling down my face. What is this pain all about. The realization that I will miss so many of his firsts, first words, first steps, first words. oh how sad this makes me. I truly wish at this time I still lived in New York, but I know this is not possible or practical. My emotional part of me is thinking on these matters.
So this is my plan of how to accommplish being a successful grandmother, or nana, that's what the children call me.
Plan #1-Make weekly telephone calls to my grandson
#2-Make sure my son sends me a monthly picture as he grows
#4-Send monthly tape recordings of stories and songs to Jayson
#5-Keep good and encouraging communication with my daughter-in-law
#6-Keep my suggestions to a minimum
#7-Give lots of sincere commendation to the parents and sisters
#8-Upon turning don't stay too long-two week maximum
#9-Send periodic meaningful gifts to all prompted by love
My Jayson Mario was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. He is developing his own personality. Though we hold him much, he is content to lay in his crib and watch hi mobile. The only time he seems to cry is when he is ready to feed. I appreciate my daughter-in-law very much. She breast feeds my grandson and this has many conveniences but it is very taxing on her. Her only freedom is between feedings. This is strenuous and can be frustrating as well. In between feedings she has to run and rush a shower, or rush a meal. When he sleeps she had to tidy the home best she can. She is a professional woman, very inteligent and so she always thinking ahead as to what must be done next. While there I did all I could do to help. Clean and tidy, took my granddaughters to the park and out for icecream. I wanted to make sure that knew that I love them also. They are wonderful with Jayson, very nurturing. I am hoping to return in about three to four months.
Oh! how I miss holding my grandson.
So this is my plan of how to accommplish being a successful grandmother, or nana, that's what the children call me.
Plan #1-Make weekly telephone calls to my grandson
#2-Make sure my son sends me a monthly picture as he grows
#4-Send monthly tape recordings of stories and songs to Jayson
#5-Keep good and encouraging communication with my daughter-in-law
#6-Keep my suggestions to a minimum
#7-Give lots of sincere commendation to the parents and sisters
#8-Upon turning don't stay too long-two week maximum
#9-Send periodic meaningful gifts to all prompted by love
My Jayson Mario was the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. He is developing his own personality. Though we hold him much, he is content to lay in his crib and watch hi mobile. The only time he seems to cry is when he is ready to feed. I appreciate my daughter-in-law very much. She breast feeds my grandson and this has many conveniences but it is very taxing on her. Her only freedom is between feedings. This is strenuous and can be frustrating as well. In between feedings she has to run and rush a shower, or rush a meal. When he sleeps she had to tidy the home best she can. She is a professional woman, very inteligent and so she always thinking ahead as to what must be done next. While there I did all I could do to help. Clean and tidy, took my granddaughters to the park and out for icecream. I wanted to make sure that knew that I love them also. They are wonderful with Jayson, very nurturing. I am hoping to return in about three to four months.
Oh! how I miss holding my grandson.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
SCHOOL DAYS
Today brought back memories of yesteryear. What I mean is that today brought back memories of times past.
I'm in New York and going shopping for my grandchildren's school supplies. I drive to Stapples and expect to get parking in a lot that only holds about fifty cars. Well it takes at least fifteen minutes to get a spot, which for New York isn't really bad.
I get inside the store with a list from my granddaughter's teacher. It reads something like this:
4 packs of 10 #2 pencils
1 pack of washable Crayola markers-10 in the pack
1 pack of Crayola crayons 10 in the pack
1 lock with key
1 protractor
1 compass
6 marble note books with 150-200 pages
2 sprial note books
1 orange folder
2 black folders
This looks simple enough anyone could knock this list off in no time, right?
Well this small list took me approximately two (2) hours to complete.
Why! Why! Why!
First of all all I could find on the display were 24 in a pack pencils, not #2 but #2.5 and #3 pencils. Took me at least 10 minutes to find an assistant to show me where the pencils were kept and then disappear before getting the right number pencil. Just by chance I looked up to heaven for help and low and behold there they were #2 pencils way up on the shelf where the new products were not taken down yet. What did I do. Being only 5'4" I solicited the help of a taller mother, who also was trying as diligently as I was to fill our lists of demands by the new teacher of the new school, that the children are frantic to please by getting exactly what is on the list. Bottom line I accomplished getting #2 pencils in packs of ten.
The rest of the list took just as long with just as much drama.
So after almost 1 1/2 hours my list had been filled, now it was time to get on line to pay for my items. That was rather smoothly accomplished after spelling out to other frantic moms where the line started and that I was not one to tolerate being jumped ahead of.
After all was said the done, it cost me approximately 2 1/2 hours to accomplish what I thought was going to take 30 minutes max. Surprise, Surprise!
All this being said, this brought back memories of how over thirty odd years ago I did this every year for my son. Well all I can say is that thank goodness I am only grandma now and I don't really have to do this every year.
Babies and childrearing is truly for the young. My hat off and my prayers to all the grandparents with the difficult responsibility of raising their grandchildren. To those parents who have abdocated this responsibility to their parents all I can say is have mercy and step up to the plate and fullfil your job and give you poor old parents a break and allow them the joy of being grandparents, we deserve this at this time in our lives.
School days for parents are difficult too, so teachers please give us a break and try being a bit more flexible with your needed supply lists. Just how big of a difference is a box of 10 or 12 crayons anyway.
I'm in New York and going shopping for my grandchildren's school supplies. I drive to Stapples and expect to get parking in a lot that only holds about fifty cars. Well it takes at least fifteen minutes to get a spot, which for New York isn't really bad.
I get inside the store with a list from my granddaughter's teacher. It reads something like this:
4 packs of 10 #2 pencils
1 pack of washable Crayola markers-10 in the pack
1 pack of Crayola crayons 10 in the pack
1 lock with key
1 protractor
1 compass
6 marble note books with 150-200 pages
2 sprial note books
1 orange folder
2 black folders
This looks simple enough anyone could knock this list off in no time, right?
Well this small list took me approximately two (2) hours to complete.
Why! Why! Why!
First of all all I could find on the display were 24 in a pack pencils, not #2 but #2.5 and #3 pencils. Took me at least 10 minutes to find an assistant to show me where the pencils were kept and then disappear before getting the right number pencil. Just by chance I looked up to heaven for help and low and behold there they were #2 pencils way up on the shelf where the new products were not taken down yet. What did I do. Being only 5'4" I solicited the help of a taller mother, who also was trying as diligently as I was to fill our lists of demands by the new teacher of the new school, that the children are frantic to please by getting exactly what is on the list. Bottom line I accomplished getting #2 pencils in packs of ten.
The rest of the list took just as long with just as much drama.
So after almost 1 1/2 hours my list had been filled, now it was time to get on line to pay for my items. That was rather smoothly accomplished after spelling out to other frantic moms where the line started and that I was not one to tolerate being jumped ahead of.
After all was said the done, it cost me approximately 2 1/2 hours to accomplish what I thought was going to take 30 minutes max. Surprise, Surprise!
All this being said, this brought back memories of how over thirty odd years ago I did this every year for my son. Well all I can say is that thank goodness I am only grandma now and I don't really have to do this every year.
Babies and childrearing is truly for the young. My hat off and my prayers to all the grandparents with the difficult responsibility of raising their grandchildren. To those parents who have abdocated this responsibility to their parents all I can say is have mercy and step up to the plate and fullfil your job and give you poor old parents a break and allow them the joy of being grandparents, we deserve this at this time in our lives.
School days for parents are difficult too, so teachers please give us a break and try being a bit more flexible with your needed supply lists. Just how big of a difference is a box of 10 or 12 crayons anyway.
Friday, September 01, 2006
MY OLD ROUTINE
I'm starting my day, by missing breakfast. Never felt like eating first thing in the am. I get dressed for work, what a problem, nothing fits right. My stomach is too big and my blouses will never cover that eye sore. Maybe it's best to wear a dress, I look pretty good in a dress or skirt with jacket.
Going down the stairs, must be careful. My hip always hurts and feel it might not hold me up, so hold on to the banister for support. OK made it down. Getting into the car is painful too, have to bend to get in, everything feel tight and sore. My arthritis doesn't give me a break. If only I could loose some of this weight? I can't think about this right now, got to get to work. Put on the radio, that makes me feel good and happy and puts me in a good mood for work.
I really have a great job with NYPD, my bosses really appreciate my ability to get the job done with little to no supervision. Working with the higher ups, Chiefs, Inspectors and Deputy Inspectors is very cushy indeed. I'm very organized, somewhat of a perfectionist, great quality in my position professionally, but has its drawbacks in personal life. I expect to much of others and unrealistic with expectations of self. A perfectionist is not allowed to make a mistake and is quick to self discipline and judge rather harshly.
By 10:00 am, been working since 7:00 am, I'm ready to eat something. I'm right in the middle of this report can't stop now. Reach in the desk, Ohhhhh! microwave popcorn that will work. That works quick, fast, and back to my work.
It is 1:00 pm, I'm starving now, will take lunch. My office is private and so I'll just sit here and eat.
Popcorn is good, but I think I need to order some Chinese food, yeah that will hit the spot. Lomein and veggies sounds good, don't forget the egg roll. I'll eat here at my desk so I can continue to work. Yes I can kill two birds with one stone, work and eat, great idea right??????
I believe it is my right to always have desert. What will it be? My boss brought me a wonderful box of chocolates, I'll just eat three pieces, well who's counting after all it is mine.
Lunch is over and I have done another great days work. Time to clock out, 3:00pm. On the way home have to figure out whats for dinner. I feel tired today, maybe we'll eat out tonight. That's it we'll eat at my favorite Italian restaurant My hubby will have pork chop pizziola with linguine. I'll have shrimp scampi over linguine, garlic bread and for desert, my favorite chocolate mousse.
What can follow such a great meal? Home and TV and bed, after all I have to get to work tomorrow at 7:00 am.
This is a typical day in my life, Mon-Fri. The weekend holds much more.
Going down the stairs, must be careful. My hip always hurts and feel it might not hold me up, so hold on to the banister for support. OK made it down. Getting into the car is painful too, have to bend to get in, everything feel tight and sore. My arthritis doesn't give me a break. If only I could loose some of this weight? I can't think about this right now, got to get to work. Put on the radio, that makes me feel good and happy and puts me in a good mood for work.
I really have a great job with NYPD, my bosses really appreciate my ability to get the job done with little to no supervision. Working with the higher ups, Chiefs, Inspectors and Deputy Inspectors is very cushy indeed. I'm very organized, somewhat of a perfectionist, great quality in my position professionally, but has its drawbacks in personal life. I expect to much of others and unrealistic with expectations of self. A perfectionist is not allowed to make a mistake and is quick to self discipline and judge rather harshly.
By 10:00 am, been working since 7:00 am, I'm ready to eat something. I'm right in the middle of this report can't stop now. Reach in the desk, Ohhhhh! microwave popcorn that will work. That works quick, fast, and back to my work.
It is 1:00 pm, I'm starving now, will take lunch. My office is private and so I'll just sit here and eat.
Popcorn is good, but I think I need to order some Chinese food, yeah that will hit the spot. Lomein and veggies sounds good, don't forget the egg roll. I'll eat here at my desk so I can continue to work. Yes I can kill two birds with one stone, work and eat, great idea right??????
I believe it is my right to always have desert. What will it be? My boss brought me a wonderful box of chocolates, I'll just eat three pieces, well who's counting after all it is mine.
Lunch is over and I have done another great days work. Time to clock out, 3:00pm. On the way home have to figure out whats for dinner. I feel tired today, maybe we'll eat out tonight. That's it we'll eat at my favorite Italian restaurant My hubby will have pork chop pizziola with linguine. I'll have shrimp scampi over linguine, garlic bread and for desert, my favorite chocolate mousse.
What can follow such a great meal? Home and TV and bed, after all I have to get to work tomorrow at 7:00 am.
This is a typical day in my life, Mon-Fri. The weekend holds much more.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
HOW I BECAME A COUCH POTATOE
It is 7:00 am and I have to make myself get moving, time to get to Curves. I hope one day I will really enjoy going to the gym, I should rephrase this statement. I enjoy my workout but I still hate the thought of having to go to the gym, I am convinced Curves is as good as it can ever be for any couch potato. I seriously doubt I will ever be a person who is happy to go for a workout. So woe is me, I hate having to exercise, me and about another million people, or is it another billion couch potatoes.
How did I become a couch potato? I, like all other couch potatoes, have a good excuse. So here is my couch potato story.
I am ten years old. My left hip hurts everyday. My mom rubs it with Bengay ointment regularly. This becomes such a routine, I really can't remember when it all began.
I do remember that I can't run and play with the rest of the kids on my block.
I grew up in Brooklyn New York, the inner city. Most of the time, after school we would play stick ball in the street, double dutch jump rope, handball against the big red building and we played johnny on the pony, coco livey-o, marbles, and of course stoop ball just to mention a few city games we loved to play. All of these games I knew how to played and had played a little, but my hip limited how often and how long I could play.
My brother Joe and I were always together and played well together. Sometimes if I could not jump rope because my hip was hurting, he would jump in my place, like a surrogate jumper. I remember so many days and nights my hip hurt so much that I would cry myself to sleep. Most days I would sit on the steps in our front yard and my brother Joe would bring his friends and my friends into our front yard to play so I never felt left out. It became a way of life, I didn't really realized how much I was missing, I just learned that I was different and couldn't do everything everyone else could do, I never felt pity for myself.
The pain kept increasing and I became more and more immobile. Not only that, I began to limp rather badly. The more the pain increased the less mobile I became. I adjusted my life around my hip pain. I slowly became a couch potato at the early age of ten.
At the age of ten I had to undergo hip surgery. My hip had actually been dislocated, my parents didn't realize this for quite some time, my mother thought I had arthritis, that is why she used to rub my hip with Bengay ointment. Anyway, I underwent surgery. My hip was realigned and three surgical steel pins were inserted to keep the hip in place. This truly was an extremely painful surgery. I remember awakening to the most excruciating pain I had ever felt up til this time in my life, little did I know that this was just the beginning of surgeries I was to undergo. I still remember how very sad my mother and father looked when I awakened from my surgery.
Once at home I was on crutches for at least six months or so it seemed. I missed one whole year out of school recuperating. I remember doing some school work at home for a while but apparently it was not sufficient enough because I was held over and had to repeat the fourth grade. What an experience that was, well that story is for another time.
Recuperation was slow and painful. I could only walk with crutches and sit alot and of course I ate through my loneliness and pain. The one thing I could do was eat.
My father also enjoyed eating, a family legacy. He took us to some of the finest restaurants in New York. I learned to appreciate fine dining. I loved restaurants with fine china dinnerware, linen table clothes and crystal glassware. Champagne was a regular and I have always loved hearing the pop of the cork. Hot crusty baked bread with quality butter was always a favorite for me, but dinner was never complete without desert, the more decadent the better. Chocolate mousse, tiramisu, strawberry shortcake and Italian ice cream otherwise known as gelato. Unfortunately I was unable to exercise and play like other kids my age and so began my life as a couch potato.
How could I have foreseen that the pattern being set for me would lead me to having gastric bypass surgery and to a new a way of life.
To be continued.......
How did I become a couch potato? I, like all other couch potatoes, have a good excuse. So here is my couch potato story.
I am ten years old. My left hip hurts everyday. My mom rubs it with Bengay ointment regularly. This becomes such a routine, I really can't remember when it all began.
I do remember that I can't run and play with the rest of the kids on my block.
I grew up in Brooklyn New York, the inner city. Most of the time, after school we would play stick ball in the street, double dutch jump rope, handball against the big red building and we played johnny on the pony, coco livey-o, marbles, and of course stoop ball just to mention a few city games we loved to play. All of these games I knew how to played and had played a little, but my hip limited how often and how long I could play.
My brother Joe and I were always together and played well together. Sometimes if I could not jump rope because my hip was hurting, he would jump in my place, like a surrogate jumper. I remember so many days and nights my hip hurt so much that I would cry myself to sleep. Most days I would sit on the steps in our front yard and my brother Joe would bring his friends and my friends into our front yard to play so I never felt left out. It became a way of life, I didn't really realized how much I was missing, I just learned that I was different and couldn't do everything everyone else could do, I never felt pity for myself.
The pain kept increasing and I became more and more immobile. Not only that, I began to limp rather badly. The more the pain increased the less mobile I became. I adjusted my life around my hip pain. I slowly became a couch potato at the early age of ten.
At the age of ten I had to undergo hip surgery. My hip had actually been dislocated, my parents didn't realize this for quite some time, my mother thought I had arthritis, that is why she used to rub my hip with Bengay ointment. Anyway, I underwent surgery. My hip was realigned and three surgical steel pins were inserted to keep the hip in place. This truly was an extremely painful surgery. I remember awakening to the most excruciating pain I had ever felt up til this time in my life, little did I know that this was just the beginning of surgeries I was to undergo. I still remember how very sad my mother and father looked when I awakened from my surgery.
Once at home I was on crutches for at least six months or so it seemed. I missed one whole year out of school recuperating. I remember doing some school work at home for a while but apparently it was not sufficient enough because I was held over and had to repeat the fourth grade. What an experience that was, well that story is for another time.
Recuperation was slow and painful. I could only walk with crutches and sit alot and of course I ate through my loneliness and pain. The one thing I could do was eat.
My father also enjoyed eating, a family legacy. He took us to some of the finest restaurants in New York. I learned to appreciate fine dining. I loved restaurants with fine china dinnerware, linen table clothes and crystal glassware. Champagne was a regular and I have always loved hearing the pop of the cork. Hot crusty baked bread with quality butter was always a favorite for me, but dinner was never complete without desert, the more decadent the better. Chocolate mousse, tiramisu, strawberry shortcake and Italian ice cream otherwise known as gelato. Unfortunately I was unable to exercise and play like other kids my age and so began my life as a couch potato.
How could I have foreseen that the pattern being set for me would lead me to having gastric bypass surgery and to a new a way of life.
To be continued.......
Sunday, August 27, 2006
PREPARATION
I will be in the big city by Saturday, am. I am setting my heart on seeing my Grandson , Jayson. As I have been really preoccupied with thoughts of him, I have to get my house in order. I feel rather sad that my husband won't be going with me on this trip. I do think he would really enjoy meeting our grandson together. I know he is not in the position to travel for pleasure yet, but I can still wish.
I have to prepare a few meals for hubby. He loves ox-tails, real country food. The dish will last for at least three meals. I think I will also make stuffed cabbage, he'll have to eat that right away, this I don't suggest refrigerating more than two days. I will cook a baked chicken, he will tell me not to if I tell him that's on the menu, he is a beef and pork man, but I am trying to keep him alive against his will. I will leave him some cold cuts, for sandwich making. Peanut butter and Jelly is always an option. I'll make sure to leave beacon and eggs, that makes a great easy dinner. I'll make codfish fritters, I got that recipe from my girlfriend, Bonnie. For desert, peach cobbler. As you can tell my husband didn't has gastric bypass, in fact he doesn't have a weight problem.
I'll start packing on Thursday night. Make sure not to take any liquids in my carry on, the world is in such a sad state of affairs. I don't want anything to delay my travels.
I already picked up the most adorable tee shirts for the baby and gifts for my step children, they are the most loving and smart little girls I've ever met. I am proud to be their grandma too.
I saw a new picture of the baby today, and he has dimples like me, I'm so happy to see my dimples being passed on. I am the only one in my immediate family to have them and my son didn't inherit them either. I'm so excited, my emotions are raging and I have been craving chocolate. Been thinking how nice it would be to have one of those chocolate fondue fountains. Just a passing thought. Must keep myself under control. Must remember, chocolate really makes extremely ill, I experience dumping, since the gastric bypass surgery.
Anyhow, I have much to attend to and so I must get going.
Talk to you tomorrow.
I have to prepare a few meals for hubby. He loves ox-tails, real country food. The dish will last for at least three meals. I think I will also make stuffed cabbage, he'll have to eat that right away, this I don't suggest refrigerating more than two days. I will cook a baked chicken, he will tell me not to if I tell him that's on the menu, he is a beef and pork man, but I am trying to keep him alive against his will. I will leave him some cold cuts, for sandwich making. Peanut butter and Jelly is always an option. I'll make sure to leave beacon and eggs, that makes a great easy dinner. I'll make codfish fritters, I got that recipe from my girlfriend, Bonnie. For desert, peach cobbler. As you can tell my husband didn't has gastric bypass, in fact he doesn't have a weight problem.
I'll start packing on Thursday night. Make sure not to take any liquids in my carry on, the world is in such a sad state of affairs. I don't want anything to delay my travels.
I already picked up the most adorable tee shirts for the baby and gifts for my step children, they are the most loving and smart little girls I've ever met. I am proud to be their grandma too.
I saw a new picture of the baby today, and he has dimples like me, I'm so happy to see my dimples being passed on. I am the only one in my immediate family to have them and my son didn't inherit them either. I'm so excited, my emotions are raging and I have been craving chocolate. Been thinking how nice it would be to have one of those chocolate fondue fountains. Just a passing thought. Must keep myself under control. Must remember, chocolate really makes extremely ill, I experience dumping, since the gastric bypass surgery.
Anyhow, I have much to attend to and so I must get going.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
FASHION, FASHION, FASHION
Bring a determined person who doesn't give up easily, I forged ahead. Mommy always used the famous words "If there is a will, there is a way". She has proven herself to, usually, be right. So what could I do about my fashion delemma, there were hardly any wonderful fashion in size 26 plus.
I decided to buy myself a sewing machine and learn to sew. Basics were best. Straight skirts and unstructured jackets. This endeavor took much time and determination, but I did it, and did it well, thanks to many friends who were experts. I was able to stay alive in the fashion world as a big girl. I could buy fabrics of my choice in the color and texture I desired. I really kept myself looking great. I even learned to make clothing for weddings, I was a smash! This worked for many years until I finally got tired and feelings of resentment started to creep into my being.
I decided to buy myself a sewing machine and learn to sew. Basics were best. Straight skirts and unstructured jackets. This endeavor took much time and determination, but I did it, and did it well, thanks to many friends who were experts. I was able to stay alive in the fashion world as a big girl. I could buy fabrics of my choice in the color and texture I desired. I really kept myself looking great. I even learned to make clothing for weddings, I was a smash! This worked for many years until I finally got tired and feelings of resentment started to creep into my being.
I had over the years made myself believe all of the hype of the big world. "Thin is in but fats were it at", "Nobody wants a bone but a dog", etc. I subconsciously realized this was not working because I was starting to really be affected by the resentment toward the skinny world, who designed all the fashion of the world and who saw fit to leave me out by making the most fashionable clothing up to size 12-14, on rare occasions 16-18.
How dare they? What could I do?
How dare they? What could I do?
MISS, DO YOU NEED A LARGER SIZE?
Is laparoscopic Roux-en-Y gastric bypass really for me?
The answer is yes, all else have been tried and failed. This decision has taken me over six months to make and rightly so. After all this procedure is designed to be permanent and can be dangerous causing death in some cases. This is not to be rushed into, and all other options must be exhausted.
Had I tried everything available? Did I really try my best? Did I really need to lose substantial weight? I can give a resounding YES to all the above.
I had, over the years, tried many diets. Some better than others, but with the same end result, frustration and weight regain and then some. I tried well known and little known programs which sometimes involved diet pills as well as drinks, special foods and the like. Need I say these proved unsuccessful in my case.
Over the years I reached my maximum weight of 350 lbs, dress size 26. At 5'4" I was definitely obese, doctors classified me as morbidly obese, adding insult to injury to the 10th degree.
Prior to my decision, I had accepted that I was going to be a big girl, correction big and beautiful. You see I didn't see myself as others saw me. I always had an outgoing personality and was fun to be with as well. I never played myself as a clown nor poked fun at myself, I just had a really great sense of humor. I always believed that the world is made up of all kinds and shapes for good reason, variety. I never thought being a big woman was shameful, I believed that there was just more of me to love. I had never in adult life been made fun of or made to feel unattractive at all, in fact I received much admiration from the opposite sex. In addition my husband always adored me and our love life was full and satisfying.
So what changed?
In addition to deteriorating health my esteem was being assaulted. It became increasingly difficult to find attractive clothing. I always loved looking good. Fashion is very important to me. I felt that I may be a big girl, but I won't be a big frumpy girl. I made adjustments. I stopped shopping in well known retail stores for two reasons: 1. It was frustrating and tiring to try on ten garments to find only one fit, if that. 2. Everything in my size looked dark, dark blue, dark brown, purple. I have always enjoyed colors, bright like the sun, pastels, reds, etc. The alternative I found was to shop thou magazines. This way I could try on my garments in private and not be asked by the salesperson "did anything fit? or Miss do you need a larger size? Oh! how I learned to hate those words. Hate, Hate, Hate!
The answer is yes, all else have been tried and failed. This decision has taken me over six months to make and rightly so. After all this procedure is designed to be permanent and can be dangerous causing death in some cases. This is not to be rushed into, and all other options must be exhausted.
Had I tried everything available? Did I really try my best? Did I really need to lose substantial weight? I can give a resounding YES to all the above.
I had, over the years, tried many diets. Some better than others, but with the same end result, frustration and weight regain and then some. I tried well known and little known programs which sometimes involved diet pills as well as drinks, special foods and the like. Need I say these proved unsuccessful in my case.
Over the years I reached my maximum weight of 350 lbs, dress size 26. At 5'4" I was definitely obese, doctors classified me as morbidly obese, adding insult to injury to the 10th degree.
Prior to my decision, I had accepted that I was going to be a big girl, correction big and beautiful. You see I didn't see myself as others saw me. I always had an outgoing personality and was fun to be with as well. I never played myself as a clown nor poked fun at myself, I just had a really great sense of humor. I always believed that the world is made up of all kinds and shapes for good reason, variety. I never thought being a big woman was shameful, I believed that there was just more of me to love. I had never in adult life been made fun of or made to feel unattractive at all, in fact I received much admiration from the opposite sex. In addition my husband always adored me and our love life was full and satisfying.
So what changed?
In addition to deteriorating health my esteem was being assaulted. It became increasingly difficult to find attractive clothing. I always loved looking good. Fashion is very important to me. I felt that I may be a big girl, but I won't be a big frumpy girl. I made adjustments. I stopped shopping in well known retail stores for two reasons: 1. It was frustrating and tiring to try on ten garments to find only one fit, if that. 2. Everything in my size looked dark, dark blue, dark brown, purple. I have always enjoyed colors, bright like the sun, pastels, reds, etc. The alternative I found was to shop thou magazines. This way I could try on my garments in private and not be asked by the salesperson "did anything fit? or Miss do you need a larger size? Oh! how I learned to hate those words. Hate, Hate, Hate!
HEALTH-A DECIDING FACTOR
My decision to have gastric bypass surgery was greatly influenced by my deteriorating health.
Though the ambiance was top shelf, with fine china dinnerware, excellent champagne and decadent deserts, I felt sick at evening's end. I had this horrible pain in my upper abdomen. It started as mild indigestion and over time it increased to the point of sleepless nights. I had been successful at home remedies, such as baking soda and water, which had always worked in the past, giving relief easily. As my discomfort progressed so did the remedy, anti-acids over the counter. This too came to an unsatisfied end.
I decided I needed to see my physician. I was informed that I had developed Acid Reflux disorder. Oh! this was so painful and I hated that I was reduced to taking medication.
I had always prided myself on the fact that I was a big, beautiful girl who was healthy. You see if I wasn't sick as a result of my weight that meant I really wasn't that overweight. I really was a master of self deception at this point in my life. I never thought of myself as obese, what a horrible, disgraceful word. Disgraceful because obese, to me, means Out-Of-Control. You see I am a fixer by nature, I fix other persons. A fixer can't need fixing??? The implications were too much for me to bare at this time of my life.
The pain is washing over me, I need shrimp scampi, lobster tail dripping in clarified butter, wine in crystal glasses and chocolate mouse for desert. Oaaah! I feel better right now.
Though the ambiance was top shelf, with fine china dinnerware, excellent champagne and decadent deserts, I felt sick at evening's end. I had this horrible pain in my upper abdomen. It started as mild indigestion and over time it increased to the point of sleepless nights. I had been successful at home remedies, such as baking soda and water, which had always worked in the past, giving relief easily. As my discomfort progressed so did the remedy, anti-acids over the counter. This too came to an unsatisfied end.
I decided I needed to see my physician. I was informed that I had developed Acid Reflux disorder. Oh! this was so painful and I hated that I was reduced to taking medication.
I had always prided myself on the fact that I was a big, beautiful girl who was healthy. You see if I wasn't sick as a result of my weight that meant I really wasn't that overweight. I really was a master of self deception at this point in my life. I never thought of myself as obese, what a horrible, disgraceful word. Disgraceful because obese, to me, means Out-Of-Control. You see I am a fixer by nature, I fix other persons. A fixer can't need fixing??? The implications were too much for me to bare at this time of my life.
The pain is washing over me, I need shrimp scampi, lobster tail dripping in clarified butter, wine in crystal glasses and chocolate mouse for desert. Oaaah! I feel better right now.
How long could I last at this rate................??????????
HIS NAME IS JAYSON
Today is really a great day! I'm so excited. I'm experiencing a truly unique expression of love at first sight. I always knew that special people are recognized at first sight. This is happening to me, as I speak.
On Friday, August 18Th, 2006 I was introduced to someone by the name of Jayson Mario. He is so handsome and manly. He has very intense eyes, which convey special qualities. I am anticipating the uncovering of these qualities one layer at a time, over many years. I know many people will think how could this be possible, this love at first sight. Well it is truly an act of God. I know this is a very special, just for me and I wholly embrace it with no reservations, no bars, no limits.
You may think that I am setting myself up for a disaster in a love affair which is progressing so rapidly. I assure you that you are wrong! wrong! wrong! Nothing could stop me from taking my place in his life. Did I mention we just met only eight days ago? Well I fell head over heels for him and I feel like a run-away train, CHOO-CHOO!
What makes him so special, you may ask? Why am I so sure he is just perfect?
HE IS MY 1ST BORN GRANDCHILD!!!!!CONGRATULATIONS TO ME!!!!!!!
I want to celebrate, but not with the usual champagne and chocolates. So how do I celebrate, after gastric bypass surgery? Maybe I'll treat myself to a pedicure, a message, along hot bath with super jets pulsing my being or maybe I just take some alone time just to think of him.
To my son: You Did Good Work!
On Friday, August 18Th, 2006 I was introduced to someone by the name of Jayson Mario. He is so handsome and manly. He has very intense eyes, which convey special qualities. I am anticipating the uncovering of these qualities one layer at a time, over many years. I know many people will think how could this be possible, this love at first sight. Well it is truly an act of God. I know this is a very special, just for me and I wholly embrace it with no reservations, no bars, no limits.
You may think that I am setting myself up for a disaster in a love affair which is progressing so rapidly. I assure you that you are wrong! wrong! wrong! Nothing could stop me from taking my place in his life. Did I mention we just met only eight days ago? Well I fell head over heels for him and I feel like a run-away train, CHOO-CHOO!
What makes him so special, you may ask? Why am I so sure he is just perfect?
HE IS MY 1ST BORN GRANDCHILD!!!!!CONGRATULATIONS TO ME!!!!!!!
I want to celebrate, but not with the usual champagne and chocolates. So how do I celebrate, after gastric bypass surgery? Maybe I'll treat myself to a pedicure, a message, along hot bath with super jets pulsing my being or maybe I just take some alone time just to think of him.
To my son: You Did Good Work!
Friday, August 25, 2006
PIVOTAL TIME
Two 1/2 years ago, December, was another pivotal time of my life. The journey was life changing and life altering. An ongoing journey of joy, pain, sorrow, ecstasy, fear, gried, appreciation and awareness.
I opened my eyes to the sound of the nurse saying, Mrs......., open your eyes, your surgery is over. What a relief, I had survived an elective major surgery, which could have claimed my life. I immediately said a prayer of thanks to my God. The very next sensation was pain in my stomach. I put my hand on my stomach expecting to feel a hugh bandage, which was not there, good my laparoscopic Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery as accomplished. My first thought, with hand on stomach was "Oh!!! God I need morphine! morphine! morphine!.
As I was rolled from the recovery room in route to my suite I heard the comforting sound of my husband's voice. He was so nervous and happy at the same time. He just kisssed me over and over again, but all I could think of was "get me to my room and start my self medicating machine, morphine! morphine! morphine!".
Loving husband and loving friends were there, all were relieved and happy.
As I drifted off to oblivion, I thought "the deed is done, this is my last chance, this has got to work"
I opened my eyes to the sound of the nurse saying, Mrs......., open your eyes, your surgery is over. What a relief, I had survived an elective major surgery, which could have claimed my life. I immediately said a prayer of thanks to my God. The very next sensation was pain in my stomach. I put my hand on my stomach expecting to feel a hugh bandage, which was not there, good my laparoscopic Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery as accomplished. My first thought, with hand on stomach was "Oh!!! God I need morphine! morphine! morphine!.
As I was rolled from the recovery room in route to my suite I heard the comforting sound of my husband's voice. He was so nervous and happy at the same time. He just kisssed me over and over again, but all I could think of was "get me to my room and start my self medicating machine, morphine! morphine! morphine!".
Loving husband and loving friends were there, all were relieved and happy.
As I drifted off to oblivion, I thought "the deed is done, this is my last chance, this has got to work"
Thursday, August 24, 2006
AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER-COASTER
Today I feel so very nervous. There is this uncomfortability in my stomach, a feeling I am familiar with. Tho this feeling is common I still have difficulty identifying it. I'm not sure yet is it a friend or foe. This feeling brings me back to early girlhood, a feeling of fear, of helplessness, of being alone, afraid. Can't really figure this out because I was never alone as a child, and most of my memories are filled with happiness and laughter.>
I sometimes think that I don't really have a right to feel these emotions, which could be described as negative, because I have so many things in my life to rejoice over. I keep reminding myself that it's OK for me to feel sad, afraid, nervous, lonely and angry and this does not make me a horrible person. After all these are all just human feelings, common to man. This most important thing to remember is to go through these feelings and don't try so hard to block them out of my life, they are a part of me, they help make up who I am and what I will still become.
My emotions have always run very deep in my life. So when I am happy and glee, I'm really up there, to the moon! But when I am not I equally am down. I never seem to conscientiously let others share this part of myself. I always welcome others to share my joy and happiness of life. I like sharing all the good I have but the hurt and pain and even the shame I sometimes feel are in my secure secret place.
Well I have to get on with my day, emotions and all. I'll just have to carry an extra suitcase (full of what could be negative emotions?) with me through out the day. I am hopeful that by days end all be well in my world. Lets keep hope alive (that really is a good saying).
Signing Off, Till Later
I sometimes think that I don't really have a right to feel these emotions, which could be described as negative, because I have so many things in my life to rejoice over. I keep reminding myself that it's OK for me to feel sad, afraid, nervous, lonely and angry and this does not make me a horrible person. After all these are all just human feelings, common to man. This most important thing to remember is to go through these feelings and don't try so hard to block them out of my life, they are a part of me, they help make up who I am and what I will still become.
My emotions have always run very deep in my life. So when I am happy and glee, I'm really up there, to the moon! But when I am not I equally am down. I never seem to conscientiously let others share this part of myself. I always welcome others to share my joy and happiness of life. I like sharing all the good I have but the hurt and pain and even the shame I sometimes feel are in my secure secret place.
Well I have to get on with my day, emotions and all. I'll just have to carry an extra suitcase (full of what could be negative emotions?) with me through out the day. I am hopeful that by days end all be well in my world. Lets keep hope alive (that really is a good saying).
Signing Off, Till Later
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