My Battle Goes On

Today is a new day, thank you God. Yesterday was murder, I had to fight so hard to not allow my old thinking and behavior take control of me. I know that my emotions can be very dangerous and detrimental to my continued success in weight management.

I have successfully lost approximately 195 pounds, mostly of fat, which is amazing indeed. I feel at this point in the venture that all I have to do is maintain my weight loss. This is proving to be as difficult is not more difficult than loosing the weight.

I still want to eat chocolate, chocolate chip cookies even though they kill me since having gastric bypass surgery. How sick is that, I still want to eat products that cause me pain and discomfort. This eating disorder is truly insidious. It is really the same as fighting drug addition. I can testify to that because I too an a recovering addict of cocaine as well as alcohol.

Yesterday I felt that panic feeling of wanting to get high or I should say the feeling of not getting high but my body craving it. I know I don't have to use drugs or alcohol any more in my life and I know that feeling are only feeling and that they won't kill me. I seem to for the past 15 or 16 years to have really good recovery buy the eating is kicking it up all over for me. The waves in the belly are so familiar. I don't want to believe that I have to deal with these feelings over again, I had hope this was over but I have that horrible feeling and beginning acknowledgement that this is the beginning of a big storm in my life.

I must sit with the deprivation and let (the monster of my mind) the issue surface so as to confront and deal with it. Wow, Wow here I go again. I can do this, I have done this before. Just brush off the tools and work it and I'll be alright and stronger when this wave passes, it will pass.

I must continue to go to group, this has been a tool which has always allowed me to be successful through all my additions and my connection with God can not and have always been my life line. My God has seen me through much and will continue to do so as long as I allow His help and don't think I can do this alone. I can't, I won't and I won't even try.

Must get some rest now. Good night.

Looking For Comfort

I am hungry, hungry for, for, for, for?????? I guess I really am needy for something. I don't even feel like dealing with me today. I don't feel like examining myself, don't want to have to check into my real needs today. Why not??????? I am too tired?????? Too afraid of what I might find??????

Need something sweet, or something salty, don't know what I need or want. I should go right to bed a avoid hurting myself, I mean with food. I can tell I am not going to be satisfied with anything that comes out of the refrigerator of cabinet.

I know it's my emotions, flying out of control, no not out of control, but they are trying to tell me something I don't want to deal with. I JUST WANT TO EAT, EAT, EAT, CHOCOLATE AND CHIPS AND CHOCOLATE AND CHIPS.

I feel pressure to get my web site, www.kitchensavvyplus.com up and running. I feel so afraid that if this doesn't work I will be stuck in my own skin. My skin after gastric-bypass is too painful to continue to live in. I feel so lost and hurt and sad. I have such missed feelings. I do not ever want to be a cry baby but I feel like one and I want to just get on my pity pot a cry, cry for me, my body, my self esteem, my sorrow, my ego, just me me me!

I have to go. Go and cry, go and sleep. I just am going to try not to eat tonight, all night long. This is hurting me so much I can't really articulate in adult terms. My emotional state is that of a child, my little girl inside is hurting and needing me to care for her. I don't always know how to care for her but I do hear her crying out for help and I will let her cry, I won't shut her up tonight. I feel the waves in my belly starting to roll up and they are getting very powerful. I must let the waves come and deal with it.

I can do this, I must do this, I WILL DO THIS!

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TAKE CARE OF ME.

I NEED HELP TO CARRY MY LOAD!

My load is heavy. Not in just a physical sense but in an emotional sense. The load I am having so much difficulty carrying is the excess skin left over from my gastric bypass surgery.

When I was 350 lbs. my skin was tight and smooth, but now after loosing over 195 lbs, well you can't imagine if you have not seen it. My skin is literally dripping off of my small frame, I say small because I am told I am tiny now at a size 8 dress. I know now that my surgery was just the beginning of a life altering process which I must continue.

I sometimes feel trapped inside my own skin, feelings of despair are creeping into my inner self where other painful experiences live. The images I see when looking into the mirror are hurtful, shameful and ugly. I try not to body bash myself as I wouldn't body bash another person but I am somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to viewing myself.

Don't get me wrong, I am very pleased that I am somewhat of a success story. I have developed new habits and ways of living which can ensure me remaining on the road of good health. I workout at the gym (Curves) three to four times per week, which was totally out at size 26 dress. I never thought I wouldn't salivate at the sigh of a pizza but now I see it and not feel powerless over it. I can decide with relative ease to eat it or not. I really thought pizza had some kind or strong power over me, I'm free of that kind if thinking in regards to food. Many good thing have happened in my life to say the least and I try not being ungrateful or unappreciative. I just recognize that I am in pain and my pain is real and must be addressed. I owe this to myself.

I have decided that I just must reach out for help, help in securing much needed plastic surgery. I believe I will receive help but not sure where to begin my search. I have always learned that everything usually starts with me first. So I am searching myself for ideas, abilities, inventions anything that can be a source leading to being financially equipped to secure a total body life which could cost in the area of $50,000 to $80.000. This amount of money is so out reach at this time that I feel overwhelmed and sinking into despair.

What can I do? Let's make a list:

Fabulous cook
Great eye for decorating
Great people skills
Excellent organizer
Great entertainer or social skills
Hospitable
Frugal shopper of quality products

Well from the list above I decided to start a e-commerce business selling quality kitchen products at affordable prices. My web store will be launching in approximately one month. The site is www.kitchenSavvyPlus.com Hope everybody who reads my blog will visit me and hopefully purchase something.

I know money doesn't fall from the sky, but I will keep and bucket outside my window in case some miracle occurs.

I am going to implore the medical arena as well as the entertainment world for assistance. Maybe someone will do a before and after show. I really do look quite good and have a fantabelist personality, I know I made that word up (smile).

Well Oprah, Dr. 90210, T. Banks, you will be hearing from me as soon as I get the nerve to write you. My fear is rejection, permanent rejection I mean I can't afford at this critical time in my life to feel that there really is no hope of me receiving help. I have no choice but to go for it. I only fear that I am not special enough for anyone to help me.

If you read this blog, send comments with suggestions on where I may possible get some help to carry my load.

DROWNING IN SKIN

I feel extremely unhappy in my own skin. I am trying so hard to be loving and kind to myself. I tell my body how much I appreciate how it has taken care of me even when I abused it so badly. I don't hate myself or my body but I am finding it more and more difficult and draining emotionally to deal with the reality of seeing and being attached to so much skin.

I never knew prior to gastric bypass surgery that as I lost weight my skin would never schrink back into place. That being the case I am now in a body which is size 8 dress but was stretched to size 26. If you ever were a big person you know just how big a size 26 is. Well I do look great on the outside but this surgery is not about looks, well it wasn't and still isn't. Having gastric bypass surgery became necessary due to health issues such as hypertension, high cholesterol, diabetes and extreme pain in my hips and ankle. Looking good is a bi product of the gastric bypass surgery.

I was not informed prior to my surgery that the skin would have to be addressed at some point after surgery, meaning more surgery not to mention the the cost of plastic surgery. In my case I feel so sad and some days almost hopeless because I have no possible way to get the money to pay for plastic surgery. I am disabled and am currently receiving Medicare which considers plastic surgery as cosmetic and unnecessary and so they will never pay for my skin removal.

I consulted with a plastic surgeon and to have my tummy tuck, which will require being cut around the entire circumference of my body as well as being cut from my navel straight up to my chest bone, necessary to remove all the excess skin in my case. Then my breast need augmenting along with implants. I didn't want implants but due to the fact that all of my volume is gone this is necessary. My breasts currently are flat like a pancake, truly hurtful to see and hurtful to live with. Prior to gastric bypass I had plumb beautiful D cups, but now I look flat chested and I don't feel womanly. Feelings and emotions are so important to the inner person. Even if others saw me as not looking womanly but I fell womanly I would always opt for me feeling good about me. Being a woman has always been a joy for me. I would never want to forfeit that, that's part of who I am an intragel part. The surgeon informed me that the tummy tuck and breast surgery would take approximately 8 hours, but assured me I would be very pleased with the results. Well at the end of the consult, which went very well, I received the estimated bill totalling $23,000 to $25,000. I had'nt even discussed the thighs, back, arms and face yet. Well I felt like I was just kicked in the stomach, this is totally out of my reach, I felt so hurt so crushed so abandoned. What am I to do. Cry, Cry, Cry. OK I'm entitled to cry over me, I am hurting and feeling lonely. I mustn't give up and dis pare, this isn't my style. I am make of tough stuff and so I dig way down in search of what I need to move on.

I hurt so much inside when I take my clothes off and see what my body looks like. Sometimes I cry and feel dispare and anger, anger at who? I am and have always been able to depend on myself and have never thought that others owe me anything in this life and so I am accustomed to working hard for all I have in this world. I have always been generous and willing to help others and have tried to have a positive impact in the lives of others but I feel like I am running out of steam and really do need, desperately, help from someone. I am hurting so deeply I can't even describe it, it feels like something is eating me alive deep down in my belly, like an animal just taking little bites hoping I will not notice it, oh! but I do.

I need help so badly and so completely. I know that in my life I have always relied on my Creator for help and I know he has the power to move mighty persons if necessary in order to provide what is needed. I will continue to earnestly request his help and support. Until help comes I will continue to try to aid others and not overly focus on myself.

I am hoping and believing help is on its way, I will persevere.

LIVING WITH GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY

I am very pleased with the results of my gastric bypass. I have lost a total of about of about 195 lbs, no I don't weigh 195 lbs I have lost 195 lbs. I was at the highest weight of approximately 350 lbs, size 26 dress. Now I am proud to say I weigh 155 lbs, size 8 dress. I must say I know I look very good but the true self image I still struggle with. What I mean is that when I look in the mirror I don't see a tiny woman, I see a woman who looks to be a size 16 and that is a great improvement to me. Unfortunately when I look into the mirror I see the excess skin in the stomach area, the sagging arms, thighs and face. I thought I would be happy with just losing weight but much more is involved in this journey.

Joys I have experienced is mobility vs. immobility. I remember when I couldn't get off the couch without my husband strong arms to help me, now I just get up whenever I feel to, I no longer set myself up with table filled with water, snacks, telephone, pad and pen, cell phone, etc. because I couldn't bare having to get up and down out of the Charo. I count it a true blessing indeed.

I felt great when traveling by airplane and didn't have to get extender belts. At first I wasn't sure I wouldn't need them, I wasn't sure emotionally. I wanted to shout it out"I don't need an extender belt!", but I did refrain. I sat in my seat needing to use the lavatory soooo baaaad until I realized I could get up without having the other persons next to me having to get up and down. I was really beyond myself to realize that I could actually come down the aisle at the same time the stewardess was coming down. At first I felt the panic of feeling how could I possible fit down the aisle as someone else was coming down, in the past I would have to wait for a clear aisle and hurry down before some skinny thoughtless person would get up with no consideration for us big people. I will continue to struggle because I will always be the big girl inside.

I've notice something new about myself. I realize I don't feel awkward in fine dinning restaurants ordering my chocolate desert, I don't think I see people looking at me like why is she ordering that. I use to see those looks and I hated them for it. I do notice I still look at others who are well endowed with kinship but lately I have been getting some nasty looks. I must realize that I don't look like kinship to the big people anymore and they may be misinterpreting my acknowledgement to them. That hurts because I feel the same though I look very different. I will never feel like a thin person no matter what I look like.

Sometimes I wonder where do I fit in. That may sound childish, but emotionally I am still just a child in many ways.

STRESS FRIEND OR FOE

Stress is said to be a real killer, as I and millions others can attest to. I have endured the stress of being a working woman in what is known as a man's world. Maintaining self respect as well as earning respect, which was always due me, has proven to be stressful. I worked with NYC Police Department in a civilian capacity, which in itself meant, to the uniform personnel, that respect was not due. I for over eighteen years had maintained my self respect as well as maintained a respectful working relationship with my peers, which was not always easy.

I endured much stress from being in a lasting marriage of 32 years. Much have occurred in my relationship. Being a friend have been a major key to my marital success. I consider my marriage a success because I still love, respect and admire my husband and he shows and tells me how much he adores me. My husband is a tough guy from the streets of New York City where as I was a good girl raised higher middle class with all the perks that goes along with that such as, Music lessons, dance classes, theater, fine dinning. We were so different yet our attraction was powerful and lasting. Our relationship started out with conversation only, in fact I thought at one time he may be gay. Since I was such an attractive young woman and he didn't seem to be pushing in the direction of physical intimacy, my shallow opinion of men surely proved that he must be gay, he couldn't possible resist me! (smile, chuckle, chuckle) I found him so interesting that it really didn't matter what his sexual preferences were, I enjoyed being with him. He knew much about politics, sports, poetry and Hollywood and most of all women. I had never met any person, yet alone any man like him before nor after. He filled every desire I had ever had as well as opened to me desires I hadn't even known. I don't kiss and tell, so I won't. Any who, I was speaking of stress wasn't I? Throughout our lives we have endured family disputes over child rearing, we have dealt with step family issues, which could be discussed forever. We have endured long periods of sickness, grief and bewilderment. We have fell in and out of love many times over and yet managed to return to the same spot again and again "respect, friendship, admiration and trust". Bottom line we know what stress is. Stress, in my case, have given me the opportunity to be refined and actually see what I am made of. My finding is "I am gold" proofed by fire. So when I feel stress and pressure of life coming upon me, I think of a smelting pot where gold is refined and then I have complete confidence and hope that through whatever comes, success will follow.

So view stress as friend rather than foe and see what gold lies underneath.