My Battle Goes On

Today is a new day, thank you God. Yesterday was murder, I had to fight so hard to not allow my old thinking and behavior take control of me. I know that my emotions can be very dangerous and detrimental to my continued success in weight management.

I have successfully lost approximately 195 pounds, mostly of fat, which is amazing indeed. I feel at this point in the venture that all I have to do is maintain my weight loss. This is proving to be as difficult is not more difficult than loosing the weight.

I still want to eat chocolate, chocolate chip cookies even though they kill me since having gastric bypass surgery. How sick is that, I still want to eat products that cause me pain and discomfort. This eating disorder is truly insidious. It is really the same as fighting drug addition. I can testify to that because I too an a recovering addict of cocaine as well as alcohol.

Yesterday I felt that panic feeling of wanting to get high or I should say the feeling of not getting high but my body craving it. I know I don't have to use drugs or alcohol any more in my life and I know that feeling are only feeling and that they won't kill me. I seem to for the past 15 or 16 years to have really good recovery buy the eating is kicking it up all over for me. The waves in the belly are so familiar. I don't want to believe that I have to deal with these feelings over again, I had hope this was over but I have that horrible feeling and beginning acknowledgement that this is the beginning of a big storm in my life.

I must sit with the deprivation and let (the monster of my mind) the issue surface so as to confront and deal with it. Wow, Wow here I go again. I can do this, I have done this before. Just brush off the tools and work it and I'll be alright and stronger when this wave passes, it will pass.

I must continue to go to group, this has been a tool which has always allowed me to be successful through all my additions and my connection with God can not and have always been my life line. My God has seen me through much and will continue to do so as long as I allow His help and don't think I can do this alone. I can't, I won't and I won't even try.

Must get some rest now. Good night.