It is 7:00 am and I have to make myself get moving, time to get to Curves. I hope one day I will really enjoy going to the gym, I should rephrase this statement. I enjoy my workout but I still hate the thought of having to go to the gym, I am convinced Curves is as good as it can ever be for any couch potato. I seriously doubt I will ever be a person who is happy to go for a workout. So woe is me, I hate having to exercise, me and about another million people, or is it another billion couch potatoes.
How did I become a couch potato? I, like all other couch potatoes, have a good excuse. So here is my couch potato story.
I am ten years old. My left hip hurts everyday. My mom rubs it with Bengay ointment regularly. This becomes such a routine, I really can't remember when it all began.
I do remember that I can't run and play with the rest of the kids on my block.
I grew up in Brooklyn New York, the inner city. Most of the time, after school we would play stick ball in the street, double dutch jump rope, handball against the big red building and we played johnny on the pony, coco livey-o, marbles, and of course stoop ball just to mention a few city games we loved to play. All of these games I knew how to played and had played a little, but my hip limited how often and how long I could play.
My brother Joe and I were always together and played well together. Sometimes if I could not jump rope because my hip was hurting, he would jump in my place, like a surrogate jumper. I remember so many days and nights my hip hurt so much that I would cry myself to sleep. Most days I would sit on the steps in our front yard and my brother Joe would bring his friends and my friends into our front yard to play so I never felt left out. It became a way of life, I didn't really realized how much I was missing, I just learned that I was different and couldn't do everything everyone else could do, I never felt pity for myself.
The pain kept increasing and I became more and more immobile. Not only that, I began to limp rather badly. The more the pain increased the less mobile I became. I adjusted my life around my hip pain. I slowly became a couch potato at the early age of ten.
At the age of ten I had to undergo hip surgery. My hip had actually been dislocated, my parents didn't realize this for quite some time, my mother thought I had arthritis, that is why she used to rub my hip with Bengay ointment. Anyway, I underwent surgery. My hip was realigned and three surgical steel pins were inserted to keep the hip in place. This truly was an extremely painful surgery. I remember awakening to the most excruciating pain I had ever felt up til this time in my life, little did I know that this was just the beginning of surgeries I was to undergo. I still remember how very sad my mother and father looked when I awakened from my surgery.
Once at home I was on crutches for at least six months or so it seemed. I missed one whole year out of school recuperating. I remember doing some school work at home for a while but apparently it was not sufficient enough because I was held over and had to repeat the fourth grade. What an experience that was, well that story is for another time.
Recuperation was slow and painful. I could only walk with crutches and sit alot and of course I ate through my loneliness and pain. The one thing I could do was eat.
My father also enjoyed eating, a family legacy. He took us to some of the finest restaurants in New York. I learned to appreciate fine dining. I loved restaurants with fine china dinnerware, linen table clothes and crystal glassware. Champagne was a regular and I have always loved hearing the pop of the cork. Hot crusty baked bread with quality butter was always a favorite for me, but dinner was never complete without desert, the more decadent the better. Chocolate mousse, tiramisu, strawberry shortcake and Italian ice cream otherwise known as gelato. Unfortunately I was unable to exercise and play like other kids my age and so began my life as a couch potato.
How could I have foreseen that the pattern being set for me would lead me to having gastric bypass surgery and to a new a way of life.
To be continued.......
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
PREPARATION
I will be in the big city by Saturday, am. I am setting my heart on seeing my Grandson , Jayson. As I have been really preoccupied with thoughts of him, I have to get my house in order. I feel rather sad that my husband won't be going with me on this trip. I do think he would really enjoy meeting our grandson together. I know he is not in the position to travel for pleasure yet, but I can still wish.
I have to prepare a few meals for hubby. He loves ox-tails, real country food. The dish will last for at least three meals. I think I will also make stuffed cabbage, he'll have to eat that right away, this I don't suggest refrigerating more than two days. I will cook a baked chicken, he will tell me not to if I tell him that's on the menu, he is a beef and pork man, but I am trying to keep him alive against his will. I will leave him some cold cuts, for sandwich making. Peanut butter and Jelly is always an option. I'll make sure to leave beacon and eggs, that makes a great easy dinner. I'll make codfish fritters, I got that recipe from my girlfriend, Bonnie. For desert, peach cobbler. As you can tell my husband didn't has gastric bypass, in fact he doesn't have a weight problem.
I'll start packing on Thursday night. Make sure not to take any liquids in my carry on, the world is in such a sad state of affairs. I don't want anything to delay my travels.
I already picked up the most adorable tee shirts for the baby and gifts for my step children, they are the most loving and smart little girls I've ever met. I am proud to be their grandma too.
I saw a new picture of the baby today, and he has dimples like me, I'm so happy to see my dimples being passed on. I am the only one in my immediate family to have them and my son didn't inherit them either. I'm so excited, my emotions are raging and I have been craving chocolate. Been thinking how nice it would be to have one of those chocolate fondue fountains. Just a passing thought. Must keep myself under control. Must remember, chocolate really makes extremely ill, I experience dumping, since the gastric bypass surgery.
Anyhow, I have much to attend to and so I must get going.
Talk to you tomorrow.
I have to prepare a few meals for hubby. He loves ox-tails, real country food. The dish will last for at least three meals. I think I will also make stuffed cabbage, he'll have to eat that right away, this I don't suggest refrigerating more than two days. I will cook a baked chicken, he will tell me not to if I tell him that's on the menu, he is a beef and pork man, but I am trying to keep him alive against his will. I will leave him some cold cuts, for sandwich making. Peanut butter and Jelly is always an option. I'll make sure to leave beacon and eggs, that makes a great easy dinner. I'll make codfish fritters, I got that recipe from my girlfriend, Bonnie. For desert, peach cobbler. As you can tell my husband didn't has gastric bypass, in fact he doesn't have a weight problem.
I'll start packing on Thursday night. Make sure not to take any liquids in my carry on, the world is in such a sad state of affairs. I don't want anything to delay my travels.
I already picked up the most adorable tee shirts for the baby and gifts for my step children, they are the most loving and smart little girls I've ever met. I am proud to be their grandma too.
I saw a new picture of the baby today, and he has dimples like me, I'm so happy to see my dimples being passed on. I am the only one in my immediate family to have them and my son didn't inherit them either. I'm so excited, my emotions are raging and I have been craving chocolate. Been thinking how nice it would be to have one of those chocolate fondue fountains. Just a passing thought. Must keep myself under control. Must remember, chocolate really makes extremely ill, I experience dumping, since the gastric bypass surgery.
Anyhow, I have much to attend to and so I must get going.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
FASHION, FASHION, FASHION
Bring a determined person who doesn't give up easily, I forged ahead. Mommy always used the famous words "If there is a will, there is a way". She has proven herself to, usually, be right. So what could I do about my fashion delemma, there were hardly any wonderful fashion in size 26 plus.
I decided to buy myself a sewing machine and learn to sew. Basics were best. Straight skirts and unstructured jackets. This endeavor took much time and determination, but I did it, and did it well, thanks to many friends who were experts. I was able to stay alive in the fashion world as a big girl. I could buy fabrics of my choice in the color and texture I desired. I really kept myself looking great. I even learned to make clothing for weddings, I was a smash! This worked for many years until I finally got tired and feelings of resentment started to creep into my being.
I decided to buy myself a sewing machine and learn to sew. Basics were best. Straight skirts and unstructured jackets. This endeavor took much time and determination, but I did it, and did it well, thanks to many friends who were experts. I was able to stay alive in the fashion world as a big girl. I could buy fabrics of my choice in the color and texture I desired. I really kept myself looking great. I even learned to make clothing for weddings, I was a smash! This worked for many years until I finally got tired and feelings of resentment started to creep into my being.
I had over the years made myself believe all of the hype of the big world. "Thin is in but fats were it at", "Nobody wants a bone but a dog", etc. I subconsciously realized this was not working because I was starting to really be affected by the resentment toward the skinny world, who designed all the fashion of the world and who saw fit to leave me out by making the most fashionable clothing up to size 12-14, on rare occasions 16-18.
How dare they? What could I do?
How dare they? What could I do?
MISS, DO YOU NEED A LARGER SIZE?
Is laparoscopic Roux-en-Y gastric bypass really for me?
The answer is yes, all else have been tried and failed. This decision has taken me over six months to make and rightly so. After all this procedure is designed to be permanent and can be dangerous causing death in some cases. This is not to be rushed into, and all other options must be exhausted.
Had I tried everything available? Did I really try my best? Did I really need to lose substantial weight? I can give a resounding YES to all the above.
I had, over the years, tried many diets. Some better than others, but with the same end result, frustration and weight regain and then some. I tried well known and little known programs which sometimes involved diet pills as well as drinks, special foods and the like. Need I say these proved unsuccessful in my case.
Over the years I reached my maximum weight of 350 lbs, dress size 26. At 5'4" I was definitely obese, doctors classified me as morbidly obese, adding insult to injury to the 10th degree.
Prior to my decision, I had accepted that I was going to be a big girl, correction big and beautiful. You see I didn't see myself as others saw me. I always had an outgoing personality and was fun to be with as well. I never played myself as a clown nor poked fun at myself, I just had a really great sense of humor. I always believed that the world is made up of all kinds and shapes for good reason, variety. I never thought being a big woman was shameful, I believed that there was just more of me to love. I had never in adult life been made fun of or made to feel unattractive at all, in fact I received much admiration from the opposite sex. In addition my husband always adored me and our love life was full and satisfying.
So what changed?
In addition to deteriorating health my esteem was being assaulted. It became increasingly difficult to find attractive clothing. I always loved looking good. Fashion is very important to me. I felt that I may be a big girl, but I won't be a big frumpy girl. I made adjustments. I stopped shopping in well known retail stores for two reasons: 1. It was frustrating and tiring to try on ten garments to find only one fit, if that. 2. Everything in my size looked dark, dark blue, dark brown, purple. I have always enjoyed colors, bright like the sun, pastels, reds, etc. The alternative I found was to shop thou magazines. This way I could try on my garments in private and not be asked by the salesperson "did anything fit? or Miss do you need a larger size? Oh! how I learned to hate those words. Hate, Hate, Hate!
The answer is yes, all else have been tried and failed. This decision has taken me over six months to make and rightly so. After all this procedure is designed to be permanent and can be dangerous causing death in some cases. This is not to be rushed into, and all other options must be exhausted.
Had I tried everything available? Did I really try my best? Did I really need to lose substantial weight? I can give a resounding YES to all the above.
I had, over the years, tried many diets. Some better than others, but with the same end result, frustration and weight regain and then some. I tried well known and little known programs which sometimes involved diet pills as well as drinks, special foods and the like. Need I say these proved unsuccessful in my case.
Over the years I reached my maximum weight of 350 lbs, dress size 26. At 5'4" I was definitely obese, doctors classified me as morbidly obese, adding insult to injury to the 10th degree.
Prior to my decision, I had accepted that I was going to be a big girl, correction big and beautiful. You see I didn't see myself as others saw me. I always had an outgoing personality and was fun to be with as well. I never played myself as a clown nor poked fun at myself, I just had a really great sense of humor. I always believed that the world is made up of all kinds and shapes for good reason, variety. I never thought being a big woman was shameful, I believed that there was just more of me to love. I had never in adult life been made fun of or made to feel unattractive at all, in fact I received much admiration from the opposite sex. In addition my husband always adored me and our love life was full and satisfying.
So what changed?
In addition to deteriorating health my esteem was being assaulted. It became increasingly difficult to find attractive clothing. I always loved looking good. Fashion is very important to me. I felt that I may be a big girl, but I won't be a big frumpy girl. I made adjustments. I stopped shopping in well known retail stores for two reasons: 1. It was frustrating and tiring to try on ten garments to find only one fit, if that. 2. Everything in my size looked dark, dark blue, dark brown, purple. I have always enjoyed colors, bright like the sun, pastels, reds, etc. The alternative I found was to shop thou magazines. This way I could try on my garments in private and not be asked by the salesperson "did anything fit? or Miss do you need a larger size? Oh! how I learned to hate those words. Hate, Hate, Hate!
HEALTH-A DECIDING FACTOR
My decision to have gastric bypass surgery was greatly influenced by my deteriorating health.
Though the ambiance was top shelf, with fine china dinnerware, excellent champagne and decadent deserts, I felt sick at evening's end. I had this horrible pain in my upper abdomen. It started as mild indigestion and over time it increased to the point of sleepless nights. I had been successful at home remedies, such as baking soda and water, which had always worked in the past, giving relief easily. As my discomfort progressed so did the remedy, anti-acids over the counter. This too came to an unsatisfied end.
I decided I needed to see my physician. I was informed that I had developed Acid Reflux disorder. Oh! this was so painful and I hated that I was reduced to taking medication.
I had always prided myself on the fact that I was a big, beautiful girl who was healthy. You see if I wasn't sick as a result of my weight that meant I really wasn't that overweight. I really was a master of self deception at this point in my life. I never thought of myself as obese, what a horrible, disgraceful word. Disgraceful because obese, to me, means Out-Of-Control. You see I am a fixer by nature, I fix other persons. A fixer can't need fixing??? The implications were too much for me to bare at this time of my life.
The pain is washing over me, I need shrimp scampi, lobster tail dripping in clarified butter, wine in crystal glasses and chocolate mouse for desert. Oaaah! I feel better right now.
Though the ambiance was top shelf, with fine china dinnerware, excellent champagne and decadent deserts, I felt sick at evening's end. I had this horrible pain in my upper abdomen. It started as mild indigestion and over time it increased to the point of sleepless nights. I had been successful at home remedies, such as baking soda and water, which had always worked in the past, giving relief easily. As my discomfort progressed so did the remedy, anti-acids over the counter. This too came to an unsatisfied end.
I decided I needed to see my physician. I was informed that I had developed Acid Reflux disorder. Oh! this was so painful and I hated that I was reduced to taking medication.
I had always prided myself on the fact that I was a big, beautiful girl who was healthy. You see if I wasn't sick as a result of my weight that meant I really wasn't that overweight. I really was a master of self deception at this point in my life. I never thought of myself as obese, what a horrible, disgraceful word. Disgraceful because obese, to me, means Out-Of-Control. You see I am a fixer by nature, I fix other persons. A fixer can't need fixing??? The implications were too much for me to bare at this time of my life.
The pain is washing over me, I need shrimp scampi, lobster tail dripping in clarified butter, wine in crystal glasses and chocolate mouse for desert. Oaaah! I feel better right now.
How long could I last at this rate................??????????
HIS NAME IS JAYSON
Today is really a great day! I'm so excited. I'm experiencing a truly unique expression of love at first sight. I always knew that special people are recognized at first sight. This is happening to me, as I speak.
On Friday, August 18Th, 2006 I was introduced to someone by the name of Jayson Mario. He is so handsome and manly. He has very intense eyes, which convey special qualities. I am anticipating the uncovering of these qualities one layer at a time, over many years. I know many people will think how could this be possible, this love at first sight. Well it is truly an act of God. I know this is a very special, just for me and I wholly embrace it with no reservations, no bars, no limits.
You may think that I am setting myself up for a disaster in a love affair which is progressing so rapidly. I assure you that you are wrong! wrong! wrong! Nothing could stop me from taking my place in his life. Did I mention we just met only eight days ago? Well I fell head over heels for him and I feel like a run-away train, CHOO-CHOO!
What makes him so special, you may ask? Why am I so sure he is just perfect?
HE IS MY 1ST BORN GRANDCHILD!!!!!CONGRATULATIONS TO ME!!!!!!!
I want to celebrate, but not with the usual champagne and chocolates. So how do I celebrate, after gastric bypass surgery? Maybe I'll treat myself to a pedicure, a message, along hot bath with super jets pulsing my being or maybe I just take some alone time just to think of him.
To my son: You Did Good Work!
On Friday, August 18Th, 2006 I was introduced to someone by the name of Jayson Mario. He is so handsome and manly. He has very intense eyes, which convey special qualities. I am anticipating the uncovering of these qualities one layer at a time, over many years. I know many people will think how could this be possible, this love at first sight. Well it is truly an act of God. I know this is a very special, just for me and I wholly embrace it with no reservations, no bars, no limits.
You may think that I am setting myself up for a disaster in a love affair which is progressing so rapidly. I assure you that you are wrong! wrong! wrong! Nothing could stop me from taking my place in his life. Did I mention we just met only eight days ago? Well I fell head over heels for him and I feel like a run-away train, CHOO-CHOO!
What makes him so special, you may ask? Why am I so sure he is just perfect?
HE IS MY 1ST BORN GRANDCHILD!!!!!CONGRATULATIONS TO ME!!!!!!!
I want to celebrate, but not with the usual champagne and chocolates. So how do I celebrate, after gastric bypass surgery? Maybe I'll treat myself to a pedicure, a message, along hot bath with super jets pulsing my being or maybe I just take some alone time just to think of him.
To my son: You Did Good Work!
Friday, August 25, 2006
PIVOTAL TIME
Two 1/2 years ago, December, was another pivotal time of my life. The journey was life changing and life altering. An ongoing journey of joy, pain, sorrow, ecstasy, fear, gried, appreciation and awareness.
I opened my eyes to the sound of the nurse saying, Mrs......., open your eyes, your surgery is over. What a relief, I had survived an elective major surgery, which could have claimed my life. I immediately said a prayer of thanks to my God. The very next sensation was pain in my stomach. I put my hand on my stomach expecting to feel a hugh bandage, which was not there, good my laparoscopic Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery as accomplished. My first thought, with hand on stomach was "Oh!!! God I need morphine! morphine! morphine!.
As I was rolled from the recovery room in route to my suite I heard the comforting sound of my husband's voice. He was so nervous and happy at the same time. He just kisssed me over and over again, but all I could think of was "get me to my room and start my self medicating machine, morphine! morphine! morphine!".
Loving husband and loving friends were there, all were relieved and happy.
As I drifted off to oblivion, I thought "the deed is done, this is my last chance, this has got to work"
I opened my eyes to the sound of the nurse saying, Mrs......., open your eyes, your surgery is over. What a relief, I had survived an elective major surgery, which could have claimed my life. I immediately said a prayer of thanks to my God. The very next sensation was pain in my stomach. I put my hand on my stomach expecting to feel a hugh bandage, which was not there, good my laparoscopic Roux-en-Y gastric bypass surgery as accomplished. My first thought, with hand on stomach was "Oh!!! God I need morphine! morphine! morphine!.
As I was rolled from the recovery room in route to my suite I heard the comforting sound of my husband's voice. He was so nervous and happy at the same time. He just kisssed me over and over again, but all I could think of was "get me to my room and start my self medicating machine, morphine! morphine! morphine!".
Loving husband and loving friends were there, all were relieved and happy.
As I drifted off to oblivion, I thought "the deed is done, this is my last chance, this has got to work"
Thursday, August 24, 2006
AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER-COASTER
Today I feel so very nervous. There is this uncomfortability in my stomach, a feeling I am familiar with. Tho this feeling is common I still have difficulty identifying it. I'm not sure yet is it a friend or foe. This feeling brings me back to early girlhood, a feeling of fear, of helplessness, of being alone, afraid. Can't really figure this out because I was never alone as a child, and most of my memories are filled with happiness and laughter.>
I sometimes think that I don't really have a right to feel these emotions, which could be described as negative, because I have so many things in my life to rejoice over. I keep reminding myself that it's OK for me to feel sad, afraid, nervous, lonely and angry and this does not make me a horrible person. After all these are all just human feelings, common to man. This most important thing to remember is to go through these feelings and don't try so hard to block them out of my life, they are a part of me, they help make up who I am and what I will still become.
My emotions have always run very deep in my life. So when I am happy and glee, I'm really up there, to the moon! But when I am not I equally am down. I never seem to conscientiously let others share this part of myself. I always welcome others to share my joy and happiness of life. I like sharing all the good I have but the hurt and pain and even the shame I sometimes feel are in my secure secret place.
Well I have to get on with my day, emotions and all. I'll just have to carry an extra suitcase (full of what could be negative emotions?) with me through out the day. I am hopeful that by days end all be well in my world. Lets keep hope alive (that really is a good saying).
Signing Off, Till Later
I sometimes think that I don't really have a right to feel these emotions, which could be described as negative, because I have so many things in my life to rejoice over. I keep reminding myself that it's OK for me to feel sad, afraid, nervous, lonely and angry and this does not make me a horrible person. After all these are all just human feelings, common to man. This most important thing to remember is to go through these feelings and don't try so hard to block them out of my life, they are a part of me, they help make up who I am and what I will still become.
My emotions have always run very deep in my life. So when I am happy and glee, I'm really up there, to the moon! But when I am not I equally am down. I never seem to conscientiously let others share this part of myself. I always welcome others to share my joy and happiness of life. I like sharing all the good I have but the hurt and pain and even the shame I sometimes feel are in my secure secret place.
Well I have to get on with my day, emotions and all. I'll just have to carry an extra suitcase (full of what could be negative emotions?) with me through out the day. I am hopeful that by days end all be well in my world. Lets keep hope alive (that really is a good saying).
Signing Off, Till Later
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