How do I feel today? My stomach is in a knot, twisted knots, my head hurts and I feel nervous. Well I must confess that this time I really brought these negative emotions on myself. Usually by mid Jan. of each year my taxes are in the mail. What happened to me this year. Well I have started a new business. My venue offers quality kitchenware products at reasonable prices. I carry brand name products most are familiar with such as Lodge, George Foreman, Hamilton Beach, Regal Ware, etc. My site at www.Kitchensavvyplus.com has been a true joy to see come to fruition. I had the pleasure and learning experience of actually building my own site, its look and feel. I feel a great excitement and nervousness simultaneously. I have spent countless hours working on my venture. Now that my site is published my main concern is to get into the marketing side of my project. Doesn't matter how good your product is if no one knows you exist it will be a bust. Speaking of bust, I am still working towards my dream of plastic surgery after having undergone gastric-bypass surgery three years ago. My surgery was truly successful. I have gone from size 24 to size 8 petite. I have been able to maintain my weight now for about 1 year. My physician still wants me to loose more weight but I feel really content within myself. I really feel comfortable at my given size. I do have many, many sad almost desperate feeling days and nights when I allow myself to feel the pain of what I look like with so much excessive skin hanging all over my body. It makes me feel hurt, sad, angry and alien at times. My sadness comes from the fact that I have been so abusive to myself in the past allowing my body to reach proportions which have left its mark. I feel angry sometimes because I had hoped the surgery would be a cure all and all the past would just disappear, well guess what? I feel hurt some days, most days to have to admit that I still am having a hard time at loving myself just the way I am. I always made myself believe that I was rather non-judgemental and guess what, I am not. So I have a lot of soul searching to do. Searching into my past, which is a hurtful and sad place at certain times of my life. I feel this sense of being afraid, afraid of what I will find out about myself, things about myself that I don't like, things that I must work hard to change. I know I can do this, but the pain I would love to avoid......so what's new, that's is why I medicate my feelings, that's what got me where I am today. I must embrace myself, the good and the bad and learn to move forward in confidence. That is what I am trying to do.
End of story for today. That is why my taxes for 2006 is just being done on the deadline. Next year will not catch me again. I should say I will be more in control of my life next year, I am sure because I realize what I did that caused this and I will make necessary changes to avoid this in the future.
No comments:
Post a Comment